BITCH BLOG

Cinco de Mayo- Intergalactic Edition

2010-05-05T17:04:00.001-07:00

Remember that bad 80's sci-fi movie, where in a distopian future, aliens come down for sanctuary and there's all these secret police chasing after them and demanding their identity cards. No? Surely you remember when the all-American couple Blake (hunky Rob Lowe) and Summer (a young Kristy Swanson) were caught harboring Gleepglorp in Blake's pick-up and punished by "The Citizens," a group of pale, doughy, obese slug-like creatures with baseball caps and assault rifles.

Thank goodness that crazy old coot Skeeter (Newhart's William Sanderson) was there with the Trucker Army to save them and evade government capture. All those little aliens wanted to do was pick oranges with their tiny brown claws and garden for less than minimum wage-- and carry black tar heroine in their squiggly asses! But ooooh those secret police and their taser-lazers! And remember when the Head Lawmaker, in a genius dramatic turn from Brad Dourif, turned out to be a self-loathing alien in a sluggy "citizen" skin suit!

If you haven't seen this masterpiece, it was set in the far off future in a desert waste-land that no one gave a shit about. It's called AZ 2010 and co-stars Ed Beagly Jr. as the Chief of Police, Jeffery Jones as Citizen Number 1 and of course Joel Grey as the lovable and wise-cracking Gleepglorp.

It gets 3.5 stars on IMDB.

It's no secret BITCH has a "gay crush" on Mexicans. Any country that can give you both flautas and mass human sacrifice should be worth at least a couple pesos. And sure it's a corrupt cess pit, much like Gleepglorp's home planet, Caderrronderralll. But the alien menace must be contained!!! Much like a black hole, nothing should be allowed to escape.

As someone who grew up in LA, BITCH knows how to spot an illegal. Here's a hint, the 4ft tall man that looks like an Incan warrior in a dirty parka is NOT American. But big fucking deal. Half the US used to be Mexico.

But now, like a shitty 80's sci-fi movie, brown people are going to be stopped because they might be space aliens. This is the lamest Cinco de Mayo since that one where all those French guys got beat up.

K-Oh K-no, K-say K-it K-ain't K-so

2010-02-14T20:27:00.000-08:00

Although she could probably get away with it, BITCH isn't even going to pretend to be a big fan of the KNACK because they t'weren't no Squeeze, or shit, even the Romantics and she's only ever liked the one song. But damn, what a song.

For 6 weeks the world was rescued from Disco.

A baseline to rival, Another One Bites the Dust. And indeed, another has.

Doug Fieger RIP.

AVATARDED

2009-12-19T16:09:00.000-08:00

BITCH has seen Dances With Wolves and Thundercats and Smurfs and Ferngully and was counting down the days, nay decades, until they could all be fused into one 3 hour long three-dimensional CGI cartoon epic so she could watch it while wearing giant grimy sunglasses and getting dead legs.

So it was...a thing. Made of movie-film-type stuff and certainly wasn't the most horrible of those things-- because BITCH is sure Battle For Terra will be far worse and simultaneously identical. But then again, it had the exact same plot as Dances With Wolves. And BITCH can't be sure but thinks maybe those Na'vi were some kind of really super subtle allegory for black people and Native Americans, and both types of Indians, and Africans. Aren't savages noble?! They're really in touch with nature-- when they're not killing "witch children," deforesting rain forests, or eating ape meat while wearing Nike T-shirts.

So, these sexy aliens live on The Internet Planet and they have USB cables in their braids which they use to jack-on to the intertoobs and have sex with trees and incestual-- sorry ancestral spirits and shit. AND they ride dinosaurs-- which also have USB cables at the end of their tentacle thingys. BITCH is more interested in finding the Tech-Support Planet, that services all the users on Pandora. Will they be more like the Genius Bar where you have to make an appointment 3 months in advance just to get talked down to? Or will they be more like Tekserve, where you take a number like you're at the Deli only to come up to the front and have them roughly reboot your computer 8 or 9 times to simulate crashing and then tell you data recovery will be 500 dollars?

BITCH does enjoy some of James Cameron's more stock characters. Gormless Good-Guy Marine, Toughy Hispanic Lesbian Marine (and they say Michelle Rodriguez is typecast!), and of course, Crazy Out-of-Control Marine that will stop at nothing to destroy something beautiful.

So if you like the Elves from Lord of The Rings, but wish they were taller and more blue and look like they evolved from Cringer, and you want to see PG Alien Sex, and lots of USB cables, and you like wearing grimy sunglasses in a darkened theater-- this movie will--eh-- qualify for that list of specific expectations.

Fuck you, BITCH writes when she feels like it

2009-12-14T19:18:00.001-08:00

It's been a few months bitches. Want an apology? Well you won't get one.

What you will get is a lovely summary of that grief-porn-masterpiece, Precious, which will render it unnecessary for you to actually see the movie. Enjoy...

Precious Moments - watch more funny videos

VMAsturbation

2009-09-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

OK, so nobody cares what BITCH thinks, 'cept when some ol awards show rolls around again, specially "teh music-ish" ones.

Yes BITCH saw the VMAs-- 1 day late because they were held up in UK customs. The musical performances were sucky-- and the in between bits, of Russell Brand rambling about hippy shit and sex addiction, were amusingly banal. Despite his fancy man-lady ways, BITCH can't see her way to clear to wanting to fuck him. Oh well. How 'bout that Michael Jackson tribute huh? That was--a-- thing-- right?

Twilight fans rejoiced because Twilight clips and cast abounded, but more importantly Muse played, and that's like "their all time favorite band and it's Stephanie Meyers' all time favorite band and like they have all their albums and omigod, Taylor Lautner-- so hot-- and in no way screamingly camp either!!!!!1111!!"

LadyGaga's penis sadly didn't make an appearance but she did thank God and the Gays in one breath, because she knows where her bread is buttered. Her Kermit the Frog's voice sucked so hard it didn't even sound like the Henson replacement, but more like some third rate outlet-mall-Kermit.

Madonna tried to make Michael Jackson's death all about herself.

Sloe-eyed Taylor Swift tried not to look like a tourist while singing on a moving 1 Train in 42 street. Oh yeah Taylor? -- BITCH would like to see you switch train cars in transit, like a local.

Green Day-- was quickly fast forwarded through because that song, 21 GUNS, definitely, definitely has part of the theme tune to Full House in it, which activates BITCH's kill, kill, kill switch.

And of course, BITCH's favorite moment, apart from a bleeding Gaga of course, was Kanye's outburst. These are always hilariously irreverent and poorly timed, indicating early signs of mental instability, but getting a bit unoriginal and pathetically less relevant each time. First the devastation in Katrina, then his own slighting at awards shows, and then slighting by proxy for some video of women dancing in a white room that's supposed to be the most original video of all time. Because NO VIDEO has ever had girls dancing in white rooms before!

Oh, BITCH knows what you'll say-- "but it's them DANCINZ! choreography what makes it original!"

Do you mean THIS original choreography?

Hey, at least Taylor dressed up as a fake nerd for her video, because "she was like such a dork in high school ya'll."

In the immortal words of BITCH's favorite pro-anna singer/songwritress, Fiona Apple: "This world is bullshit, and you shouldn't model your life on what you think that we think is cool, and what we're wearing and what we're saying,"

It's still fucking true.

FUCK YOU BITCHES! IT'S FRINGE TIME!

2009-08-18T11:46:00.001-07:00

BITCH is heading up to Edinburgh (Berg?/Borough?) for the Fringe Festival where she will be virulently avoiding jugglers, people with their heads in buckets, quirky weirdos hiding under boxes and one woman shows about lonely out of work 30-something actresses who do lots of old lady characters. Also anyone who was on Michael McIntyre's Roadshow.

Sadly, the guy BITCH is currently fucking (yes it does occasionally happen-- and don't act so surprised it's a guy) lost all his money when he was defrauded by a tweaking meth head/identity thief using his Gmail account to set up Western Union wire transfers. Consequently, BITCH and Co. will be sleeping in a fucking youth hostile. BITCH can't wait to tell you bitches what Scottish crabs are like. And also the pubic lice.

If she's feeling up to it, she might even give a review of some of the acts. "Might" being the operative word, as opposed to "mite" as in, pubic lice.

To try and cheer yon fuckbuddy up, BITCH trolled (and trawled) the internet for lols (and lawlz). Did you know, they have one for every occasion?!!!101!!!]]

John Hughes. BITCH won't-- forget about you...

2009-08-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

Dear John,

BITCH doesn't have much to say, except, you left us too soon. How do you talk about one of your favorite filmmakers of all time? (NOTE: Curly Sue still sux). Comedies are a tricky thing, and you had so many good ones. Sure you'd basically retired, described by some as a recluse and we already had your full collected works, but just knowing you were still kicking was a comfort to an entire generation. As much as Michael, or Regan or Madonna-- or AIDS, you WERE the 80's.

All teen films strive to copy a mold that you originated-- and almost always fail. Before you, the homely best friend never got the girl-- or guy. You made nerds cool. You were probably the first. You changed the way Hollywood and audiences in general thought of teenagers. You gave them soul. You filled a sleepy fictional suburb in Illinois with so many well-drawn characters, they felt real. We all wished we were clever enough to say the things you put in the mouths of your leads and ever since, hacky blogtastic screenwriters have crashed and burned striving. The Brat Pack largely has you to thank for their careers (if they didn't end up destroying them, themselves).

BITCH has so many favorite moments from so many of your films (barring Curly Sue of course), that it's hard to choose just one, so how 'bout a trite montage that will use editing and music to effectively squeeze feelings from BITCH's rotten artichoke. It makes the thorny bits poke her insides.

And perhaps, BITCH's number one favorite moment of all time. Set in a record shop. Jon Cryer. Otis Redding. What more do you need? Try a little tenderness.

BITCH Declares 2009: Year of the Indian Frat Boy

2009-08-03T18:34:00.000-07:00

BITCH was going to write a post on her favorite nerd, Henry Louis Gates and how he got ganked by the Mass po-po, but then it got too big and serious and 24 hour news cycley and then it got boring. Suffice it to say, BITCH will take down the police any time you axe Henny.

In other news, BITCH has declared 2009: Year of the Indian Frat Boy. Since we're entering the Golden Age of the Douchebag (TM) it only makes sense that Frat Boys would start diversifying if only to swell their numbers-- in preparation for the Apocalypse. Now in addition to the four sub-types you were already aware of: white, black, black-acting Asian, and closeted gay, naturalists doing field work have stumbled upon a new and quickly burgeoning variety. The Indian Frat Boy. Don't believe BITCH? They're everywhere.

Love Making with Arj Barker - watch more funny videos

Raaaaaaaandy - Part 1 (Funny People) from Aziz Ansari

What's it all about Harry?

2009-07-13T16:56:00.001-07:00

Nerd Alert. BITCH beat someone up and managed to scrounge a couple tix off their battered body, to attend the new Harry Potter 6 several days early. Measly you may think, but in nerd terms, that's like 12 galactic inter-cycles on Terrathane Prime.

Just to update everyone from last time.

Yes, the kids are getting older. So much in fact it's necessary to use CGI to cover stubble now (apparently puberty doesn't happen in the wizarding world).

No, Harry isn't any taller.

Yes, BITCH did see his penis in Equus on Broadway. Funny you should ask. It was appropriately sized for the individual it was attached to-- and to be fair-- it was a really cold theater.

Severus Snape is still the hottest character-- fuck you!

Hermione said some clever shit, Ron looked around all confused and David Yates continued to direct like he was hired by the BBC for his latest made for TV movie. BITCH still misses the inappropriate, underage punk-hotness that was Alfonso Cuaron.

BITCH brought along a friend (read: hostage) who claims to be a "reader" (yet mysteriously hasn't read any of the masterwork that is Harry Potter: A Complete Omnibus) and he was massively confused-- as he has been for the last 6 films. BITCH always brings along the same confounded muggle just to verify that the movies continue to be poorly adapted and totally bewildering to people who haven't read these novelesque-bound-paper-items often mistaken for books.

In news that makes more sense, someone from Slytherin was growing pot. Genius.

The King of Pop Dies. Long Live the King of Pop.

2009-06-25T16:35:00.000-07:00

Uhh. Or don't.

Legal settlements aside, he was very likely a child molester. And a weirdo (and not in the quirky lovable way, but the harmful way), whose best years (and music) were behind him. But BITCH realizes lots of fucked up people make genius work: Man Ray, Marquis de Sade, Phil Spector, Woody Allen, Roman Polanski--- uhh-- Kobe Bryant...

BITCH knew he wouldn't live a long life. He was a frail, anemic vegetarian. In a way it's probably best he went now. With all the promise of a new tour-- without the disappointing reality of a man over the hill. He died, 50 years old, but perpetually 10.

So he was a plastic surgery addict, ashamed of being black, afraid of being an adult, scared of his "man" sexuality, dangled a baby out a window and held several white kids prisoner for years while making them wear Carivale masks and claiming they were his offspring. But as Chappelle pointed out, "dude made Thriller."

Possibly the greatest pop album of all time. And he had a BAD childhood. A fucking rotten one. And he was massively talented. What he contributed to music, dance, videos and popular culture will never be taken away from him. He was an icon-- like Hitler or the Virgin Mary or the Planter's Peanut Guy.

All BITCH knows is this. For one Christmas in 1982, for a tiny little girl that would later blossom into raging she-hulk, the world revolved around one fold out album cover of a 20something black boy (still black at the time) in a sexy white suit, cuddling a fucking awesome baby tiger. She listened to that record until the grooves wore out.

THIS IS THE WAY BITCH WILL CHOOSE TO REMEMBER HIM.

AND, KEEPIN' IT REAL.

RIP

MOVIE REVIEW: AWAY WE GO--- to the gun store to blow our brains out

2009-06-21T19:16:00.000-07:00

BITCH just got back from the Edinburgh Film Festival. While it wasn't particularly festive (being that it's been moved to a different time of year than the much more awesome Fringe Festival), there was a definite grimy coat of film covering almost every surface. She didn't see many movies there-- except shorts that were almost uniformly bad, and The Hangover, which she snuck into to boycott the festival. She does enjoy the Scottish though, as a nation of malcontents, and thought the Haggis was exceptional (partially because it made her think of Hagfish-- and also fag hags.)

But she did get the chance to see Away We Go.

YAY!!!!

Isn't being 30-something and twee and not having our shit together adorable? And so marketable these days.

BITCH was getting so tired of these authentic mumblecore movies, what with their terrible sound, bad lighting and cinematography, uncharistmatic marginal leads, horrifically unsavory graphic sex and obsession with shoegazer music and puffy furniture.

But how 'bout a fake mumblecore movie! All you need is 20 million dollars, name actors from hit NBC TV shows, and shitloads of CGI (no seriously, it actually had all those things). Also, throw in one over-hyped narcissistic middle-aged fat British theater director and an overrated NY times bestselling author to write the horribly unstructured amateur/fake amateur screenplay and you have the wilted gem lettuce that is AWAY WE GO. A fake indie, fake mumblecore, fake emo piece of shit.

BITCH hasn't really enjoyed hating a movie this much in a long time. She wants to stab it in the face and rub her mess on it. Smear, smear, smear the blood and shit together. She feels like Frances, in that movie Frances starring Jessica Lange, where the bitch gets so crazy, they have to stick a needle in her eye and scoop out her brain so that bitch'll shut the fuck up. "You've got no right! You've got no right! You've got no right!"

Now, a clip from the WORST FAKE MUMBLECORE MOVIE EVER!

And, the BEST FAKE MUMBLECORE MOVIE EVER! (This one is 100% accurate)

The Dirty Garage - watch more funny videos

Stop all the news in the world! BITCH reaches TWENTY FIVE FUCKIN' THOUSAND HITS!

2009-06-21T18:53:00.001-07:00

Really?

This blog hardly seems worth it. But hey, who is BITCH to judge the losers who are into her? Some other shit might be going on in the world right now. In more pressing news, BITCH can't find a copy of Rolling Stone Magazine (with her most beloved cosmic homo Adam Lambert on the cover) anywhere in London. And they call themselves an "international city!" They should feel so blessed. It's the first good reason she's had to read Rolling Stone since she was 14 years old. Because, really, how many more times can you read that The Bends is the greatest album of all time? Also, Obama was elected already, so get back to the fuckin' music news.

Pay attention to how funny Jonny Greenwood's ass looks in pleated girl jeans ca. 1996.

Kung-fused?

2009-06-07T20:04:00.000-07:00

First off. BITCH is sad. David Carradine was not that old and appeared to be in good shape, despite being kicked in the head a lot in the 70's and suffering the Five-Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique from Uma Thurman's gigantic paws. So imagine BITCH's sadness when she found out he was gone. Not to take away from the genuine mourning, but at first she thought he might have done himself in, since he was in Asia and the guilt of stealing an acting role from a Chinese Man had finally overwhelmed him. But no-- it looks like he might have pulled a Michael Hutchence.

"Under these circumstances we cannot be sure that he committed suicide but he may have died from masturbation," quoth one Thai authority.

Dude. It's not funny. BITCH's heart goes out to his family. But all she has to say is-- Y everybody gotz 2 B so damn rough w/ their junx! Can't anybody wank the old fashioned way anymore? "Nobody move, nobody get hurt" style! Why there gots to be so much chokin' of necks (AND genitals)!? The only thing that should get choked is chixenz--

PETA don't write BITCH!

BITCH is not advocating NO self-abuse-- Lord knows Tavis Smiley has supplied more wank material than he'll ever know-- but you got to abuse lightly-- or become a hilariously tragic Snopes.com entry labeled TRUE.

RIP

BITCH presents: The Lamest Google Alert of All Time

2009-06-05T19:48:00.001-07:00

How exciting! A new Google Alert in BITCH's inbox-- exciting that is, until BITCH opened it.

"Events Calendar - Free Screening of 2008 DWIFF Winners (of which BITCH is one) By Wayne State University http://www.events.wayne.edu/"

Whooooo-fucking-hoooo!!! BITCH is sure people are getting trampled over to go to this.

A Further, semi-curious click on the link reveals...

"The Detroit Windsor International Film Festival and WSU present a free screening of DWIFF's 2008 winning films. The featured films are:
Detroit: Not for Wimps, directed by Leigh Richert
Bitch, directed by Lilah Vandenburgh..."

Et cetera. Notice they spelt BITCH in title case-- 'cuz they're retards.
There's more, but really, who cares. All you need to know is--

It's a BITCH screening for something she won way back in 2008. It's free (yay!), and it's playing at fucking 5221 Gullen Mall, which BITCH prays to God is an actual Mall, but knows in her rotten artichoke is just some lame ass student union.

To any kid in the area, please go. Preferably hopped up on "soda pie." BITCH is waiting.

BITCH and the MTV movie Awards

2009-06-01T20:52:00.000-07:00

Wait. Is BITCH even supposed to review these? She feels bored and confused.

Sure, why not. Does a show lose anything by being blatantly fake as opposed to earnestly hiding the fakery?

This awards show is a lesson in why women's suffrage has failed. Teenage girls vote for whatever makes them the horniest. Edward Cullen from Twilight? Very much so apparently. That kid with the jug ears from Slumdog Millionaire-- not at all. Doesn't bode well for The Last Airbender movie. But Zach Effron is dreamy. So much so, girls don't even mind that he's Jewish.

The much hyped Bruno's ass in Eminem's face was enjoyable, albeit 150% phony. Which leads BITCH to the philosophical conundrum: Is comedy homosexual panic as potent as real homosexual panic? The answer is no. Andy Samberg's ass in Justin Timberlake's face wasn't nearly panicked enough.

And then the show was over. Yes, that's as many lines as she's willing to waste on it. Now BITCH is gonna go look at pictures of cats pushing invisible shopping carts.

The ravenous teenage girls oughta like that. Now BITCH can live another day without having her brains eaten. There's always tomorrow for that.

Film iz 'tarded

2009-05-26T14:55:00.000-07:00

BITCH can't blog properly about trivial shit like Idol and "Trak" (her two favorite topics) this week, because she has been wrangled into helping one poorly dyed red-headed filmmaker who still dresses like a 12 year old whore and doesn't want anyone to know she has an "old lady birthday" coming up. BITCH mostly works as a bouncer for pay, but foot courier suits her too-- she's got the quads for it.

BITCH doesn't even have time to watch the epic masterwork that is Wolverine in peace or rant about AI results.

BITCH will not bore you with the details, except to say that everyone, without exception, who works in film in London is a complete and total fucking idiot. And this is in no way a massive generalization. She's met all them-- and it's true. Not that they're all English. Simply that every idiot who was ever employed in film and wanted to destroy something beautiful, in the world, chose to make London their base of operations. It's like really strong pee or frozen, concentrated grape juice. The place is thick with idiots. It's lousy with them. BITCH doesn't know if she has enough meat fists to go around! But she's feeling generous, so she'll try and make it work.

Now a clip, mostly for her-- maybe a bit for you. You should know, BITCH doesn't post this with irony. She genuinely loves Paul Williams, despite the fact he's 100% uncool. But he wrote some of the best Muppet songs ever and did the Bugsy Malone soundtrack. Fuck yeah.

True fact: he's the world's only extant Garden Gnome. There used to be thousands of 'em, roaming the plains. And now-- he is alone-- the sole member of his race. :(

Homophobia is so boring.

2009-05-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

BITCH can't talk right now. She's still too pissed off...

For the Love of Christ, Vote for the Big Gay Kid Already!

2009-05-15T20:25:00.000-07:00

Everyone has weaknesses.

Some people mainline heroine. Some people have sex with farm animals. BITCH watches American Idol. They're about equal. She realizes this is not cool-- but hey-- fuck you.

Jacked-up teeth and unapologetically flobbity penises aside, England's not a bad place to take a load off. Except when American Idol rolls around two fuckin' days late, and BITCH can't vote for the genius that is Adam Lambert. So you have to do it for her-- or else. Apart from the fact he has the single best singing voice ever on show (counting Kelly, Fantasia, and BITCH's favorite meek little homo Clay Aiken), he's also the best showman to ever grace that miserable stage. He's Steve Perry good-- and BITCH doesn't say that lightly.

Yes middle America is afraid of him. BIG SURPRISE. And not just because he's possibly-- sorry, completely and obviously super duper fuckin' gay.

And not just gay, but clearly a slutty exhibitionist AND sleazy power bottom. And a musical theater queen, and a cosplaying Emo-queer and on top of that-- a Tranny!!!! But worst of all, he's a west coast liberal, clearly doesn't give a fuck about church, and has a small family what doesn't mind him being a weirdo n' shit.

All the more reason to vote for him and not the human thumb that is Kris Allen.

Why?

Because great stars, truly great, in that stratospheric caste of the Bowies and Freddy Mercurys and Elvises are not borne up out of this facade of perfect middle-American life. You need real suffering and misery, to be an outcast and truly different to have that well of pain that makes you special. You'll likely be a chubby musical theater nerd. You probably won't be a jingly 23 year old camp counselor who thinks his wife is the most "beautiful, beautiful, beautiful lady in the world."

Do we need another John Meyer? Another Rob Thomas? BITCH doesn't think we needed the first ones. And how 'bout twice as mediocre? We definitely don't need a shit sandwich made with two slices of Wonderbread, a scoop of vanilla ice cream and a dollop of mayonnaise.

Vote for Adam. Vote and Vote. Because he's the most talented and that's all that matters.

You may ask BITCH, why a stupid, rigged, sham reality talent contest on the lamest network (sorry, hate to break it to you CW) matters?

Because if Adam loses, we prove we haven't come far enough as a country. Despite our 50% black president, we still don't want to hear anyone singing who might have smoked a pole once or twice-- or a billion times.

Because androgyny, sex appeal, great talent, unique looks and amazing vocals-- why would you want that in your Rock music? Why? When you can have anemic, asexual crooning and an adorable crooked smile...

Set Spoilers to Kill.

2009-05-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

Seriously fools, if you haven't seen "IT" yet, 1. What kind of geek are you? And 2. Why are you making such seriously vain attempt to not be spoiled when you know you wanna. Y R U B HR?

It's no secret, BITCH is a bit of a fan of "The Track." What is "track" you ask. It's ghetto for Trek...as in, "you fittin' to watch you some Track? Shit, bitch, you'll need a liter of Knee High grape sodawater and popcorn-- with extra hot sauce. 4 RLZ."

Now imagine an alternate reality where the events of history unfold separately and parallel to our own. No, I'm not talking about the alternate reality where an Emo Roumlan kills both Kirk's Dad and Spock's Mom, or where Bones miraculously drags his old ass to Starfleet at the same time as everyone else, where Kirk is made a captain while he's still in school, where Orion Slave girls fuck their way through the academy, where Pike is still confined to a wheelchair by the end (but at least doesn't have to beep one for yes, two for no, and three for the crapper), where Chekov appears from the beginning even though he's barely out of diapers, where Scotty has an adorable mini-me sidekick or where Spock goes into Pon'Far early-- and continuously-- while he sticks his tongue down Uhura's throat. Not that one.

And it's not the one where Spock is a badass with an evil beard either.

No. BITCH is talking about the alternate reality, where Star Trek is STAR WARS.

Here's what you need to turn Star Trek into Star Wars. You'll need one Hoth-like ice planet, replete with beasts that want to draw you into an ice cave and eat you. One Tatooine-like desert planet (any will do, even Vulcan). One spacer bar full of wacky aliens and complete with fist fight (but sadly, no zany muppet music). An old dude who can act as a mystical mentor-- Frank Oz wasn't available-- so they had to go with that Nimoy guy. You'll need some undersized, spunky midget-types dressed as tiny aliens. And how about a scene where young padawans-- uh sorry, "Vulcan kids," are getting trained to be super secret Jedis-- that is, adult Vuclans. And lastly, you'll need some jocky jerk-faced director, who hates Star Trek and loves Star Wars. Star Wars, beloved by geeks and normals alike. And Star Trek, only loved by the most unlovable.

Some may praise J.J. Abrams for boldly rebooting a dying franchise (BITCH has not forgotten the Baroque debacle that was Voyager or the dry hump that was Enterprise) but seriously, people, save something for the nerds. There were no ridiculous-looking Andorians, only one red shirt died, and almost nobody had any weird shit growing out of their forehead. Add to that, BITCH hardly felt preached to at all about racism and tolerance.

BITCH wanted to be able to say that she hated this movie entirely, since she is a player hater. But the truth is, she enjoyed herself and her bladder didn't protest. That having been said, poor Canon didn't fare so well. She went to a wacky spacer bar. There was a shitload of muppets playing zany instruments. She got her Romulan ale roofied, and she woke up with a her ass hurting bad.

Last seen leaving her place, a bad ass looking dude with pointy ears-- and an evil beard. Damn you mirror universe Spock!

IT'S CINCO DE MAYO BITCHES

2009-05-05T14:47:00.000-07:00

Fuck the recession.

This slutty Mexican chihuahua laughs at your pain.

She hopes you get swine flu.

She fucks your man while you're away on business-- and he pays her in British pounds, just to give the exchange rate the finger. Because it's all about doin' somebody over on this day, even if it isn't the French. Speaking of French--

This chihuahua would like to French your mouth good.

You know you wanna...

Finally! A good excuse to be xenophobic!

2009-04-27T18:30:00.000-07:00

Makers of FOX News rejoice! Swine Flu pandemic is upon us! And it was completely, definitely (this time) actually 100% caused by dirty and most probably illegal Mexicans-- clearly sleeping with pigs, then hatching a plan to seep across the border, to steal your jobs, your welfare, your social security, your daughters, your wallet and infect innocent Americans such as NYU students (not to mention other other nice white people, like Canadians and the Scottish) with a massively evil virulent virus. How virulent you ask? Exactly 0 people in the US have died from it!!! But they are totally stressin' and Thereflu ain't free, for gossakes!!!

And what about this totally not genetically engineered virus? A mix of avian flu, human flu and old timey swine flu-- sounds mighty fishy Dr. Moreau. Not at all suspiciously, all the major drug companies are already working on expensive vaccines. Thank God for them!

If it does devolve into 28 Days Later, you'll have evil puerco to thank. If only they could all be as sweet as their Canadian cousins, aye.

Maude is dead. Long live Maude.

2009-04-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

Bea Arthur, everybody's favorite Transgendered folk hero passed away today from complications of oldness. She will be remembered for her awesomely deep voice, jaunty pant suits and lording over the other golden gals.

BITCH knows. She modeled a lot of her behaviors off ol' Bea.

Enjoy this totally disturbing piece from Maude. Can you believe this clip is actually about abortion-- on a SITCOM! Talk about the essence of hilarious. Oh the times, they are regressin'.

Stay Golden Bea.

RIP

This month...in Hipsters...SPOILZ, no one dies :(

2009-04-23T17:22:00.000-07:00

As loath as BITCH is to "borrow" content from any smug NY culture-rag like Gawker (she prefers anonymous hot-linking), she can't ignore this juicy non-story any longer. Mostly because the people in question who were victims of it, were in fact Hipsters from Williamsburg, rendering it basically a victim-less crime.

"Four foot tall Asian chick" used to be just another box on the Hipster bingo card, but she's sought to differentiate herself by growing a hilariously charming-yet-anti-social personality, turning herself from some signifier/signified crap into a Meme (hardly different). BITCH hates annoying, spoilt borderline bitches with chest plate tattoos, but loves to see floppy hipsters and ironic beard-wearers everywhere getting their comeuppance, by being taken in by "Hipster Grifter" Kari Ferrell's sociopathic charms, I LUV BEARDS tattoo, offers to give hand jobs with her mouth, and insistent claims that she was dying of cancer-- and then had their minds (and wallets?) raped.

Shoe-gazer musicians, marginal alt-comedians, Vice employees-- is no normal person safe!!!!!

And speaking of annoying hipsters, Matt and Kim is a "band" BITCH has been ridiculing for years, usually only referring to them generically as "Synth Guy and Drum Girl" but it looks like they're going to get cloyingly sub-famous any second. And BITCH will assist, as that will make denigrating them much more pertinent. They're the prototypical Williamsburg couple: they look like skinny vegans, have "his and hers" bike messenger haircuts, and Kim could clearly kick Matt's ass. In this "not at all staged" video, they pose as the Quintessential Post-Modern Hipster Adam and Eve.

But the best is listening to their pointlessly adorable adorableness for each other. Hey people. THEY ARE NOT CUTE, they'll have you know!! Not cute at all.

BTW, Does "Twee" still officially count as "cute?"

Menjoy

BITCH wins!!! without even trying.

2009-04-19T17:30:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so this fuckin' movie came out forever ago now and BITCH isn't even entering it in any festivals (to her knowledge)-- and yet, it keeps winning awards n' shit.

BITCH just found out the film won BEST SHORT at Detroit Windsor International Film Festival-- not that any of the festival staff alerted her. It only like happened sometime in 2008 and shit.

In honor, she's thinking of celebrating Devil's Night early, and in a different country. Whatever-- it's a good excuse to burn some shit. Like cars (just for you Detroit!)

Motown has obviously always had good taste, and while BITCH's film couldn't transcend matter and energy and cure the ailing auto industry, she as least rocked your lame asses. Again.

Speaking of rocking your lame asses, here's vintage Hagfish. You're welcome.

ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD

2009-04-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so maybe shit's fucked up in Italy right now. That's what you get for living in a cradle of civilization type area-- God always B smiting n' shit.

But 3 pieces of musical bliss are taking place at the moment

1. Adam Lambert is dominating Idol: They should really just change the name to the Adam Lambert show, with way he's sweeping those losers off the stage like a supersonic space queen. Enjoy this pirate copy.

2. No, hell hasn't frozen over AND the Specials are back together and touring this summer! BITCH is shopping for an especially brutal pair of Doc Martin's to go toe smashing at the show, Rudys beware. Fucking. Yeah.

3. And this guy exists. If Bobby McFerrin had a love child with Imogen Heap and they let Wesley Willis babysit-- you might get Reggie Watts. This is perhaps, the best thing ever...

Now, if Kate Bush puts out a new album-- BITCH's rotten artichoke heart might explode.

BITCHES in their natural environment

2009-04-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

An Australian cattle dog, adorably named Sophie Tucker, fell off a boat while her owners were sailing. Oh no! Poor little doggy drowneded? Fuck that! Sophie Tucker swam five miles, in shark infested waters, to a remote island where she lived for the next four months-- ON A DIET OF BABY GOATS!!! Fuck Yeah!

That's some serious hard ass shit. That's what bitches B about. Did she feel sorry for herself? Did she turn coconuts into radios and walk around with a suspiciously large wardrobe? Did she create mananimal chimeras for her sick enjoyment? Did she turn choir boys into cannibals? Did she subjugate a savage with huge amounts of homoeroticism? Did she force her entire family to live in a tree house? Did she hoard buried treasure? Did she lose her virginity to a teenage castaway? Did she tame a stallion? Did she strategically "play the game" and compete for a million dollars? Did she start talking to a soccer ball? Did she go looking for mysterious bunkers, smoke monsters, dinosaurs, polar bears, creepy bug eyed dudes, invisible dudes in log cabins, or any "other" filler bullshit?

No. Sophie didn't fuck around. She just killed baby goats. Can't we all live that simply?

BITCH has to watch "her stories"

2009-04-01T18:09:00.000-07:00

It's a slow news week (read, nobody famous died). Though BITCH enjoys torturing you by not posting (since she can't punch everyone's face individually), she enjoys torturing you with overlong blog entries even more-- which can only mean one thing!

Idol. Fuckin'. Recap.

What's better than fake sob stories, jingoistic Ford ads disguised as music videos so bad, even Christian bands won't do them, and so many Coke commercials, you'll actually want to snort coke!

You thought BITCH had given up her addiction just because she was across the pond? And because it's totally not punk rock. Fuck you, the madness continues-- now on a three day delay. Do you know how hard BITCH has to work to keep all of her gay friends from ruining the results!

So BITCH had to wait for another round of eliminations, because she enjoys kicking folks when they're down (literally) and thankfully her psychic scream was answered. That wannabee-Billie Holiday-but-no-singing ass, Megan Corkery, is gone. Pretty, average cheerleader-types trying to pass themselves off as weirdo rockabilly chicks because they have some ugly sleeve tattoo is no good. Especially when the sleeve tattoo looks like one of those T-shirts you buy at Hot Topic that already has the tattoo silk-screened on the sleeve. Oh, also, having a kid doesn't make you a rebel-- just a horny idiot who doesn't use condoms.

BITCH couldn't decide what was the most rebellious thing about her: her perfectly bleached Chiclet teeth or her ludicrously long Daryl Hannah weave. Or is it her terrible, calculated, adorable toddler dancing. Did BITCH mention how authentic she is? But the most authentic thing has to be her croaky 1940's singing voice-- because it's like, exactly what her speaking voice sounds like. New rule: you only get to sing like an old black lady-- if you speak like an old black lady-- and ARE an old black lady. Also... you should be in tune.

Speaking of old rejects: But BITCH is still glad Tatiana didn't make it through-- but when she commits suicide, they'll be to blame for filling her head w/ delusions of grandeur.

For next year, BITCH has put a ban on the "sexy, overweight blue collar guy." Whether he be a farmer, roughneck, ice road trucker, gulf war vet, Alaskan crab fisherman or any other profession Discovery Channel is likely to make a show out of. These guys always suck, have a super generic wife, and several daughters under the age of 4, all named Kayla, Shayla and Mckayla. BITCH kindly asks Sarah Palin and her giant brood to stop voting for this guy.

BITCH is looking forward to 8 more weeks of this crap, including:

Blindy McBlindersons-- His UP WITH PEOPLE attitude, Art Garfunkle Hair and Nick Hornby meets Branson, MI vibe are why idiots (read: most people) vote for him. He's clearly been sheltered by his weirdo religious family who told him blind people can be anything they want to be (which is true-- if you don't suck at singing.)

Generic sassy black lady with R&B voice who always comes in fourth-- Why is it BITCH just wants to squeeze your giant boobs together and take a nap on them? As one of the gay friends put it, "she's had 3 kids in 3 years-- she must have a giant bus vagina--" which, granted, sounds like a thing a man afraid of vaginas would say, but which also makes her perfect for the adult contemporary charts!

Indian Frat Boy-- For the first time in US history, Indian people are "cool" -- which, embarrassingly, is somehow related to Slumdog Millionaire. Ride that wave kid. Also, Asher Roth is looking for an opening act for his "bros over hos" tour.

"My Wife Is Dead," aka Robert Downy Jr. Jr., aka Danny Gokey-- No denying, bitch can saaang. And will probably win-- because America is afraid of gay people.

Little Latina rock chickie-- BITCH likes. She's both homely and talented-- which is really what American Idol should be about. Pushing people up to the top who aren't physically perfect, but who can wail (obviously-- this doesn't apply to you, Megan Corkery.)

Couple of White Dudes-- oh couple of white dudes, one with guitar, one with piano. BITCH counts the weeks until you are eliminated.

And BITCH's favorite-- Adam Lambert. Otherwise known as the really, really gay one that's really, really super duper gay, that should win, but will come in second (remember Clay Aiken)-- because he's gay.

BITCH can't get enough! Not just because he's super queeny and little girls haven't seemed to pick up on it at all! Not just because he sings awful songs and is so unapologetically musical theater about the whole thing. Not just because he has bloaty carb face.

But because specifically, he's clearly a big Renaissance Faire Sci-Fi Fantasy nerd. How does BITCH know? BITCH can smell her own. Apart from his awesome Emo ensembles and his double piercings, you may have seen these bitchy pictures circulating of him at Burning Man (what, is this 1997?). While most will be focused on his gayness (the world's biggest "no, duh" seems appropriate), others may have noticed that he kisses like a slutty drunk borderline girl at Spring Break. But what BITCH is all about is the Cosplay. He's clearly put a lot of time and attention into his Oberon meets Starlight Express outfits, that "Mary clearly made all by her fabulous self!"

But because America is afraid of gay people-- and Danny Gokey is a Christian Choir teacher-- with a dead wife-- Adam will probably come in second-- if he's lucky. Also, "the magic judge save" is probably only just around to keep Adam in competition in a week where America is feeling particularly homophobic.

But how awesome would it if an openly gay role-playing, cos-playing emo-goth musical theater nerd won American idol? A real misfit with talent (obviously, we're not talking about you Megan Corkery). According to his idol FAQ:

Q: What would people be surprised to learn about you?
A: I'm obsessed with astrology.

Really?-- No shit. BITCH just hopes one week you have the balls to pull a Freddy Mercury and sing "My Fairy King."

The saddest head trauma is the kind not caused by BITCH

2009-03-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

BITCH was going to write something incriminating here about Mugabe clearly murdering Morgan Tsvangirai's wife or some shit, but a less alleged death has just occurred. Natasha Richardson, sadly an underrated actress that no-fucking-body really paid attention to until just now that she up and died, has up and died.

She will be remembered for many things, mostly movies you haven't seen, but also for being one of the "handsome Redgrave women" and for banging Dark Man. Having said that, BITCH is not mocking her and her death, and is certainly sympathetic she is gone and her family is bereft.

Enough of death! In in honor of Richardson's life, BITCH would like to draw your attention to a fascinating little film called The Handmaid's Tale. Of course BITCH loves it because it's a Feminist horror ditty about evil Born-Again Christians that force Hippy bitches to breed for them because their cold yuppie wives are sterile. It's scary as shit (cuz it could happen), even in a cheap and vaguely Canadian way. Plus, shocker!, Pinter wrote the screenplay (another recently deceased person). The trailer is weird, gives everything away and includes frontal nudity, so BITCH isn't sure where exactly this aired (maybe a country like Canada). Another great, scary Natasha Richardson film is The Comfort of Strangers, which features "the Walken." You'll never look at chocolate laxatives the same way again! Eerily, this film was ALSO written by Harold Pinter. Again, trailer features too much creepy voice over. Ah, 1990!

Super sad when the young ones go. Our thoughts and prayers are with Qui-Gon Jinn and his young Padawans :(

RIP

HIPSTER BEARDS blamed on bad economy

2009-03-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

When BITCH saw this trash MSN, (insert shitty broken link here) she knew she had to save it for you.

She loves fake news trends, especially when their invented by lazy reporters.

All of a sudden, Hipster Beards, which BITCH clearly remembers being the bane of her last several years are a new thing! And apparently they're caused by the economic downturn. Now if BITCH isn't very much mistaken, this is complete horse shit. Hasn't it always been requirement to attend a Daniel Johnston concert?

Not to mention a big beard takes several years to grow--making these dudes also psychic.

This just in: housing shortage creates new demand for ironic mustaches.

This beard's for you!

Who Watches "The Watchmen?" BITCH and her bladder, apparently.

2009-03-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

So the nerd day of Armageddon has come and gone. Alan Moore, arguably the greatest graphic novelist of all time, has been completely F'd in the A now (see: V for Very Fucking Horrible Movie and The League of Extraodinarily Under-Performing Gentlemen.) Now his masterpiece of comic catharsis has finally arrived for its big screen raping.

Starring--- uh-- that guy from Jesus' Son and that girl from The Goodbye Girl-- no not the Charles Grodin version-- the other one--oh you didn't see it? Yeah, that one-- and the guy from Little Children and the other guy from Little Children (remember, the child molester) and that dude from the bad remake of Brideshead Revisted. Who is BITCH kidding. You didn't see any of those movies.

Well, you get the idea, nobody's famous, so they "like really blend into their characters" that you didn't give a fuck about because the movie's so boring and lifeless.

For those of you who don't know the plot of the book, BITCH will ruin it for you. In an alternate 1985, superheros are real and everyone only reads awesome pirate comics. Some superheros die and then a really meglomanical one creates a fake 9/11 style catastrophe involving a Giant Squid and a bunch of psychics (it makes sense). There, BITCH has told you the whole story. And it only took her a minute. The real horror is, in alternate 1985, Nena still exists!!!!

The acting was marvelous; you could hardly tell the entire thing was shot on a green screen-- apart from all the flat tableu shots (we call that a "Zach Snyder special"), in front of floating backdrops with all the shit drawn in in post-- like huge amounts of blue dong.

BITCH especially loves when the camera speeds up and slows down a billion times during punching/kicking/flying through the air and landing hard on concrete. Have you seen the 300? It's like the world's best PS2 commercial.

Look, it's not as bad as it could have been. In fact-- it's probably about as good a movie as it possibly could have been, all things considered. Paul Greengrass would have just made it all shaky hand-held and peeps would B barfin'. At least with Zach Synder at the helm their was a satisfying amount of gay subtext-- now if only he had the balls to have more gay actual text.

The Watchmen movie is pretty boring-- and apparently confusing-- if you haven't read the graphic novel, like some of the losers BITCH went with.

Low points- No Giant FUCKING SQUID. No Pirates!!!!
High points- Dr. Manhattan's blue dong in almost every shot.

BITCH won't say it was horrible-- which is hard because she's a player hater. But fundamentally, the problem with Watchmen the movie is it's 3 hours long and BITCH couldn't go to the bathroom, whereas with Watchmen the graphic novel, she was on the toilet the whole time. And it was marvelous!

Antony and Tim and BITCH and Leonard

2009-03-03T10:27:00.000-08:00

All of BITCH's gay friends are pushing this genius down her throat. You know, THIS genius?

But BITCH is kind of partial to the old version.

Here's to weirdos, past and present.

Peace in my "middle yeast"

2009-02-24T22:54:00.001-08:00

Every once in a while BITCH will get some shit so annoying she has to punch her computer and break it-- and go to Compuserve and steal a new one afterhours. Either that or walk into the Applestore (during hours) and simply rip one out a 120lb hipster's hands. What's he gonna do? Chase after?-- his jeans are too tight to move.

Something like this punching incident happened a few months ago (a wireless router was used as a frisbee) and BITCH was forced to visit PC World in Kensington (a hilariously ritzy neighborhood in London). Turns out PC World ain't more than a "stones throw" heehee--away from the Israelie embassy-- and great for--hhmmmm-- say ardent polictical marches-- and thowing stones.

Remember in January when Hamas shot 2 rockets into Israel and Israel hulked out and went in their with tanks and shot no women or any children? Not a one.

Did BITCH forget to mention, this was also at the exact same time as the Palestinian/Hamas marches outside the embassy and pouring into the streest (and stopping for a delicious milkshake at McDonalds-- and then on to more rioting.) That's when the router broke, and BITCH had to buy a new one. And she only had to wade through an international anti-war riot to get there. It was hard not punching anyone-- being that everyone was anti-war-- but the urge to punch is so overwhelming...must save fists (and new router) for fansubbing anime.

Why didn't BITCH mention all this drama before-- well. When dealing with two idiots in a bar fight, you tend to let them mash each other's face in until, they drunkely fall on top of each other and realize they have a latent homosexual attraction and they begine to make out. And you can go home.

BITCH still hasn't figured out how to make this happen, apart from dropping roofies in the water supply for the whole middle east.

Alright already-- here it is-- YAWNFEST 2009 wrap up.

2009-02-22T23:29:00.000-08:00

It must have been torture huh? This silence. BITCH didn't cover the SAG awards. Nor the Golden Globes :( Not the Emmys. Cuz that shit don't play on TV in the UK. Though BITCH has caught choice moments-- like Megan Fox's fantastic GG meltdown that came 3 years ahead of schedule-- and not even during the broadcast.

It's because she let's Brian Austen Green put his wiener inside her that this is happening. BITCH also didn't bother with the Grammys-- so sad, too bad. Because there's nothing more awesome than hugely pregnant Sri Lankan rappers. 4 Realz.

But now onto the main event.

Oscars 2009

With a crop of movies so soonzable, BITCH didn't even feel she could get together her yearly list of top 10 films explained by porn title, it was a pitiful night. With titles like The Curious Case of Ben's Jammin' Butt or Frozen glass Dildo (admittedly-- not BITCH's best), Slumdog gangbang 4 (now with actual dogs) and you can see where BITCH went off the rails. Maybe because the roster of films this year was just too lackluster or maybe because hype makes everything taste like warm reflux-- it's not quite vomit-- it's still food-- but with a tinge of burpy acid.

But BITCH digresses.

So the IKEA Oscars went down like this: Hugh Jackman, at no times acting insanely gay (allegedly), did lots of gay jokes and musical theater inside jokes and sang lots of musical theater songs and minced around the stage and said hi to BAZ in the audience, and showed little to know chemistry with goosey face and also WHAT the FUCK was up the High School Musical schmucks being even acknowledged as human beings!? It was a fucking TV movie on the Disney Channel people!

Then predictably, everyone you thought was going to win awards, did. Slumdog being the obvious choice. Because, if it's Your favorite film of the year you better believe it is for, Aunt Doris who's been in the Academy since 1937. Clearly, Doris, you're in a good position to say Slumdog had the best Post Sound Mixing and Synching huh? You fairly certain about that Aunt Doris? Ok. How about WALL-E you fucking cunt! All the sound in that movie was made from scratch... unlike your kugle.

There's nothing BITCH hates more than a sweep (unless it's sweepin' the leg) but at least brown people got some awards. Well, at least white people, banking off brown people and exploiting destitute children got some awards.

The Wrestler-- big side of beef makes BITCH's heart sloppy. 'specially as he loves his chihuahuas like people.

Bejamin Button-- this movie was like poop. That starts in the toilet, then goes in reverse up into your but, undigests and comes out your mouth as ziti. Is that graphic enough for you? Also, see Forest Gump. Same movie-- but forward, and only slightly less poop.

Slumdog Millionaire-- or as BITCH calls it "that movie made by that guy that did that great junkie movie 15 years ago, staring the Indian kid who gets naked all the time on Skins." Don't believe BITCH, rent the Skins box set.

WALL-E-- perfect. It's all about love, without a heart. (BITCH can relate).

Reader-- Kate Winslet "I'm scowling-- that means I'm a old lady! Old ladies have wrinkles around their mouth and eyes-- you get those from scowling-- look at me scowling my way to an Oscar!" I'm sincerely sincere. I swear! (<'Scowl'>)

Milk- Mostly good-- Except when you want to punch Diego Luna's face in. But hooray for that Mormon Twink winning best screenplay-- enjoy being the Diablo Cody of 2009! Diablo who?

In summary, a tiny movie that had the best campaigne machine behind it won and that's the way it's gotta be. Look forward in the coming year to slumdog themed documentaries, TV shows set in Mumbai, and shitloads of pregnant Sri Lankan rappers.

Do you feel abandoned? Just in time for Oscar warm up

2009-02-19T20:00:00.000-08:00

Good. BITCH is busy, but she's touched that you keep visiting her site daily, if only to touch the void.

BITCH just saw The Curious Case of Benjamin butt-so-numb-from-sitting-in-this-fucking theater for three hours. Congratulations David Fincher, you've completely undid all the good will BITCH had for you from making the greatest masterpiece of torture porn of all time, FIGHT CLUB. This was more like Forest Gump-- for people in a persistent vegitative state. Between being an ugly old young man and being a senile young young man, Brad Pitt only had 40 fuckable minutes of screen time. Kate Blanchette stared into the middle distance with her dignified mask face and they talked about trivial shit and acted suspiciously nice to brown people (totally ignoring social, political and geographical history of New Oreleans in favor of a rosey fantasy.) By the way-- have you seen Forest Gump? No? You could see this instead, it's the same movie, but less funny-- if you feel like feeling less about stuff.

This movie not only makes you feel nothing, it takes away feelings you might have for a later thing. It's a feeling extractor.

Most dissappointly, BITCH was hoping at the end of the movie, Benjamin would devolve into a fetus and eventually his last two cells would undevide- creating reverse metosis-- and then all kinds of fucked up would go down in the universe. It's starts with Cats raping dogs-- in the asshole instead of the V-jayjay. Dude Dogs too.

This movie will win MakeUp, some SFX bullshit and some other crap like sound design.

KAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!

2009-01-30T01:30:00.000-08:00

Another story BITCH regrettably didn't get around to, was the death of nerd icon Ricardo Montalbán. It's no secret BITCH has a thing for the Mexicans (and "The Trak")-- and ol' Richy was particularly muy caliente-- even at 88 years young. This guy had his own island where he, along with his drunken midget best friend, fucked with people's heads and made them sorry for wanting to be thin and rich: And all without the help of a smoke monster, dinosaurs, a polar bear, or a giant fissure in space/time.

He also put a worm in Checkov's ear-- which helped him write, The Seagul.

But did you know about this?

He also looked great in leather pants.

MUSICAL HOLOCAUST!!! IT CAN HAPPEN.

2009-01-27T19:37:00.000-08:00

BITCH admits, she's been out of the loop of late. What with Israelis and Palestinians fighting like kosher cats and halal dogs, a smexy new American president, and helping the BITCH director to make empty ads to move units of pop music, BITCH hasn't even had a chance to listen to her favorite "back home" radio station, Indie 103.1 illegally and for free through the intertoobs.

If you don't know Indie 103.1 it's the ONLY FUCKING THING IN LA WORTH A DAMN. Apart from actually playing a variety of music, from bands you may not have heard of-- they featured the best rock show on the planet. Jonesy's Jukebox, hosted by Sex Pistols guitarist Steve Jonze. Like a grandpa of punk, who played whatever the fuck he felt like-- or just burped a lot into the mic.

They weren't dictated by ad revenues or trends in top 40. They just played good, deserving shit, even if the band didn't have the PR budget behind it.

So imagine BITCH's surprise when she tunes into the internet version, to find them playing songs from three years ago, with no DJ banter. As much as she loves hearing She Wants Revenge for the 80th time, and still confusing them with Interpol, she had some lingering questions. Nay, concerns.

Imagine her TOTAL FUCKING DISMAY to find out that on January 14-- just a few short days ago-- That the entire station was canceled-- by its corporated overlords and replaced with some Spanish language top 40 fuckfest. Fuck that. What about Chicano punk kids who want fuckin' cool music!?

Indie 103.1 no longer exists on terrestrial airwaves. The employees, fired. According to "The Nielsen People," the ratings were too low-- which is impossible because BITCH listened to it all the time. The internet version's playlist, now just old tracks for the library-- high in an automated ivory tower somewhere-- where alterna-people can't attack it, and with one greasy intern doing maintenance.

BITCH, in a moment of weakness, will admit that when Jonesy came on the air in 2004 it was a Kate Chopin style Awakening up in this bitch. She realized who she was inside, and it defined her, her misery. It was the one spark of hope in the otherwise dump-truck-full-of-charred-children's-remains existence that was Los Angeles.

Please petition and help these people get new jobs. Jonsey needs to be back on the air somehow!!!

Now BITCH has no reason to ever go back to LA --- EVER!!!

Oh-- and--

Fuck Entravision. Fuck Nielsen.

And Fuck the radio.

Belated RIP

2009-01-14T19:07:00.000-08:00

Ron Asheton 1/06/09, founding member of influential Detroit garage rock (not punk you ignorant fuck-sticks), ok, well, proto-punk band THE STOOGES died on January 6, 2009. Way to go 2009! Even though he was only 60, they claimed it was "natural (maybe they meant herbal???) causes."

Dood. As much of a shame as it is he died, the real miracle is that two out of the four founding members of The Stooges are still alive, and one of them is Iggy Pop!!! If there's was an extra level after dead-- he should be on it. Like Super Double Negative Zero Dead in the 5th Ring of Hades.

For every dead famous artist of the 60's and 70's, there's some who inexplicably managed to hang on to this mortal coil. Everyone in Zepplin, except for the drummer. Everyone in The Who, except for the drummer. Way too many of the Stones.

It's a shame he was young, and obviously just a crusty old hippie (he lived in Ann Arbor, duh), and that he won't get to see his band possibly, posthumously get into the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame. Not that RHF stoops to give pity awards for dead artists. For that, we'll be looking to you, 2009 Oscars!

This Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk goes out to you Ron. RIP.

HOLY SHIT, BITCH IS BEHIND!

2009-01-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

Yeah, fuckers. That's the first blog post of 2009. And no, BITCH's new year's resolution was not "to be better at writing blog posts regularly." Don't you fools have anything else to watch, read, do, believe, see, eat or stuff in your eye holes? Only a tool would worry about such things.

More important than blogging about life, is living it-- if only so you can blog about it.

So much shit has already happened, it seems fairly pointless to even discuss it. Perhaps BITCH should roll over and go back to sleep, and wait for 2010-- when we visit Jupiter to find the home of the monoliths. Two things of note:

A. They come from the red spot
B. They're filled with stars

More to cum from 2009.

AN ODE TO THE BEST STORY OF 2008-- POSSIBLY-- OF ALL TIME???

2008-12-31T20:28:00.000-08:00

VON TRAPPED!!!!

"Doe,
a deer,
a female-- DEAR LORD THAT GUY LOCKED HIS OWN KID IN A BOMB SHELTER FOR 24 FUCKIN' YEARS!!!!"

"How do you solve a problem like Maria?"

Again, with the shelter. Maybe some ether and a dog leash. Threatening to gas her is always an idea.

Not since the Von Trapps, has Austria shared with the world such a wonderfully close-knit (genetically) family as Josef Fritzl and his brood of children-grandchildren-children.

Sometimes a person does some shit that’s so crazy you can’t even put it in human terms. You must laugh hard, constantly Google it, shake your head at "the shame," become an expert on all the greasy details, be secretly titilated as people always seem to be about rape, get to direct socially acceptable anger towards ‘Paedophiles’ and childfuckers, spell pedophile with a diphthong, and yet-- secretly-- wish you could lock someone up and make them love you forever and ever and ever and ever...

Come on. As he has said himself, he is no monster. For a monster would have killed all of his mutant albino rape incest children, whereas he is a gentlemanly gentle man. He thoughtfully kept them alive, like in that movie, The People Under the Stairs.

That’s some Josef Mengele, Rose and Fred West shit. V.C. Andrews couldn't have written it any better/worse!

Then to top it off, a boy was skinned by his family :(

And remember this one? Warning-- not a gratuitous enough story!

Even more interestingly (if you don't care about feelings), Josef Fritzl may have locked his own mother in the attic at the same time-- also for like 25 fuckin' years!!!! This guy, at least on an interpersonal level, seems to be vying for "most evil non-magical person of the decade." BITCH qualifies with interpersonal and decade, only because Fritzl didn't commit mass genocide.

Obviously, this has become a bit of a national embarrassment for Austria-- who've been having an image problem of late, what with all the people locking people in bunkers. See the Linz sisters-- and Natascha Kampusch-- and Adolf Hitler (Austrian, people, NOT German). That last one may not qualify, as technically he locked himself in a bunker, but in other news, is still vying for "most evil non-magical person of all time." Fritzl may be gaining though.

"The sun
has gone
to bed and so must I.
I leave,
I heave,
a sigh and say goodbye-- to my monster-molester-raper-father/husband who brings me tins of food three times a week, then shuts the 8 electronic doors that keep me from freedom."

Happy 2008 to all the girls trapped in undiscoverd bunkers out there. Hope your 2009 has slightly more food, way less rapings, extra TV time, and at least 10 minutes a day to stand fully erect.

BITCH

Oscar assessment: first rape

2008-12-31T20:22:00.000-08:00

BITCH's

Slumdog. BITCH always likes Danny Boyle's kind of gay techno aesthetic (even 1996 is way over), but it was way overrated. The girl who played adult Latika was a boring moron (clearly a model). But middle class white people love adorable movies about scrappy, poor brown people-- made by white European dudes. It's decent, but not the masterpeice Marjorie in accounting says it is.

If you've got nads, and don't mind mild vampire pedophelia, see Let the Right One In. It's way better. Waltz with Bashir is also good, as there's lots of shooting in it-- followed by liberal guilt.

If you want to see a real fag fest, go see Australia. It has seriously, 5 endings. Including an ending and then another hour and a half of movie after that. Nicole Kidman looks both emaciated and pregnant. Hugh Jackman looks strategically dirty-- with gleaming white teeth. They have no chemistry-- because Hugh Jackman is gay--LOL-- jk!:);):( You don't have to be gaymafia to be hired for gaymafia projects, right? (X:men, X men2, Xmen3, tons musicals, Hosting the Tonys-- like 4 times). BITCH just wishes someone would tell that to James Marsden!

The first act of Australia is edited like on Crystal Meth-- see Spun for reference, or Moulain Rougue. An adorable Aboriginal boy plays one of the leads-- which Oprah failed to mention, because he's not a celebrity and didn't bring her any presents. Fundamentally, just another Western with magical brown people! Don't worry, the n0n-magical white people are still the heros that rescue everyone!

Soon BITCH will get to comment on gay movies, wrestling movies with gay undertones, an old guy gets young one, several nazi movies and then secretly, late at night-- the anime.

NEWS FLASH: The Bible gets things wrong? : X-mas edition

2008-12-22T18:14:00.000-08:00

So the latest astronomical evidence has revealed that the location of the north star in Judea 2000 years ago, just above the horizon was like happening in June, 'er something-- not fucking December of the year -1. This is only not fucking news at all, because in the nativity story it says new Lambs were foaling.Which happens in spring or early summer-- not during Pagan Yule-- 'tards. And we've known that forever.

Also, Mary wasn't a virgin. Jesus was Jewish, and Joseph was still her grown cousin (gross, they did end up fucking later-- or in the crazy Catholic version, they NEVER ended up fucking later.)

Now BITCH will drop some lame knowledge on your ass. The Immaculate Conception refers to St. Anne's conception of Mary, not Mary's conception of Jesus. Mary's the Immaculate Conception. Now you know. Look it up. Not that it matters...because it's FICTIONAL.

The wise men were Asian, Arab and African!!!! Axis of evil. And all they brought that kid was some bling (gold), incense to cover the smell of the weed and afterbirth (frankincense), and lube (myrrh). Little known fact for pot heads, Jesus was born at 4:20 a.m. According to the modern calendar (way accurate!) BITCH thinks this makes him a Gemini, not a Capricorn-- though the stars were in a different place 2000 years ago-- because the Earth pro-cesses n' shit.

Happy 2008 Christmas heathens-- exactly 24, 0096 months after the original. Because calendars, like time, biology, and religious beliefs-- never change.

BITCH

BITCH surpasses 20000 hits? Really?...Find the word "asses" in that sentence.

2008-12-06T20:14:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the one creepy stalker that keeps coming back and clicking-- while possibly idly thumbing his cock-- this site looks like it actually has visitors! Congrats stalker. Keep up the good clicking. Why didn't BITCH think of sponsored links sooner-- oh right-- no one would sponsor us. Except maybe Converse and that tampon you have to shove up yourself because it doesn't come with an applicator. Oh that's right-- your finger IS the applicator! Genius!

Keep visiting dickwad(s). BITCH promises to update soon. She's been doing --er-- "something" which is both shameful and occupying all her time. More on that shame later.

Premature Mastication

2008-11-18T13:59:00.000-08:00

BITCH, in an attempt to get this holiday show on the road, celebrated Turkey Holocaust (otherwise known as Thanksgiving) a full 2 weeks early!

There was honey glazed ham for those who don't eat poultry, turkey for those who don't eat red meat, tofu for those who don't eat meat period, salmon for those who eat fish but not meat because they're complete hypocrites, vegetables for the hardliners, mashed and au gratin potatoes for those on the all-carbs-diet and both vegan cornbread stuffing for bleeding-heart liberal morons, and gluten/nut/dairy-free rice bread stuffing for the hypochondriacal total fucking assholes-- who clearly have broken taste buds.

The cats just ate Science Diet for the 1, 640th day in a row, and seemed alright with it.

Happy Turkey Holocaust suckers. Don't choke on the goodness.

Stayin' Alive-- no really.

2008-11-06T14:59:00.000-08:00

And you thought disco was a death dirge, driving people to gay cancer, hot pants and massive cocaine addiction, but no. Apparently some of it is saving lives. Uh "study" done by "them" claims, through the most reputable site on the web, MSNBC, that the BeeGee's classic Stayin' Alive, helps train CPR givers in proper technique. People who listened to the song while they trained gave just the right number of compressions a minute and did better overall even a month later-- just playing the song back in their heads on their sucky "mind iPod."

This is great and all-- but really, if you had choose between dying and coming back to life while hearing a paramedic's mumbled rendition of a song clearly written by a castrati satan, the choice seems pretty obvious.

Beg for death. Either way, there's white jumpsuits.

MOB RULEZ!!!

2008-11-04T21:35:00.000-08:00

You have to hand it to the unwashed masses. They really came out "en mass" as they say. That'll show those sore-losing fuckfaces at the Biltmore Hotel-- with their booing, and their private tickets and whitey guest list and facile bigotry. Half a million psychos in Grant Park can't be wrong.

But BITCH was having a hard time concentrating because of all the lusty thoughts for her favorite swarthy mechanoid, Tavis Smiley-- he was all over that NBC coverage, like brown on brown rice, exuding dignity while simultaneously having a head vaguely shaped like a giant side of beef.

On CNN, the Minority Report sate election map was entertaining for five seconds. And the Daily Show coverage was funny-- for the last fifteen minutes.

So the most fuckable president since JFK is a black guy (who may not technically be "black," black being a cultural construct of being of African American heritage in majority white country and not just of being genetically "halfrican"). Still, Obama is going to be the 44th president of the United States. Whew!

People are shouting so much in the streets, you'd think the Cubs won a world series-- but BITCH has looked out the window and nobody's ice-skating in hell-- yet. With the climate change, who knows. As someone who's been honestly hiding overseas for a year, BITCH breathes a giant sigh of relief.

Still, she's nervously awaiting the invention of the invisible Kevlar helmet, the invisible Kevlar face-mask, the Kevlar crotch protector and Kevlar body suit-- that doesn't make you look fat or give away the fact you're swathed in Kevlar.

Can it be invented? Yes we can--

Wait. That doesn't make any fuckin' sense.

It's either Vote-- or a punch in the Throat

2008-11-03T22:34:00.000-08:00

Hey 20 to 50 unique individuals who visit the BITCH website each and every day or, conversely, 1 psycho stalker that clicks 50 times--

BITCH needn't remind you today is Nov. 4th. Perhaps the most important day in your pathetic and, due to morbid obesity, miserably foreshortened life. Each person holds the destiny of this country in their hands.

So would you put down the fuckin' Krispy Kreme and stop jacking off for ten fucking minutes, lick the jizz and jizz-like icing off your sausage fingers, and go pull a lever that for once is not some metaphor for self-abuse.

You hear BITCH America-- otherwise known as Brian.

It's either this, or a Karate chop in the adam's apple. You decide.

Stubbed out.

2008-10-21T14:54:00.001-07:00

BITCH has been too busy to blog, which is a nice way of saying BITCH has been too sick to blog, which is an ever nicer way of saying BITCH has been too lazy to blog.

That's what you get when you make out with bass players who have the MRSA.

But BITCH doesn't want you to think she's missed the perhaps most important news story of the past two weeks.

Four Tops lead singer Levi Stubbs has shuffled off to that big Buffalo in the sky. Yes, he did a lot of awesome Motown songs, and you probably read about that maybe but no you didn't, yet you heard it on the Today Show while you ate and got changed and thought "oh well, old people B dyin' n' shit." BITCH will not bother to repeat all his hits, suffice it to say he sang all those songs-- except the ones you think were by him, that were actually sung by Marvin Gaye.

But more importantly for BITCH, he played one of the most anti-social characters of all time in a classic film directed by none other than Miss Piggy himself.

October 17, 2008 will be rememberd as the day there was a "TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE SUN."

One time...at band camp...

2008-10-21T14:52:00.001-07:00

Not that BITCH is in the habit of reading anything with the words FOX or sports in them, and certainly not 'FOX Sports,' she accidentally happened upon this hazing story the other day.

As a general rule, she doesn't much give a shit about hazing-- frat boys and potential frat boys can can slide down rusty pikes through the chest for all she cares. Then she saw it involved music and nerds.

That's right, the hazers in question are marching band geeks-- doing ritual initiations and sexual acts on new members.

This gives a whole new meaning to "Rusty Trombone." BITCH wonders what the proper method for stomping on "frosh" is: she believes it's heel-toe, heel-toe.

She can give them some good pointers on punching people in the stomach using a slider, but she's not sure what all the fuss is about. There's a reason they call drumsticks "Beaters."

Marching bands were intended for violence. They were invented for the military. Now they're used for football. What's changed? She's just surprised it took the band so long to catch up with the cavalry. Break out the rusty pikes!!!

"Master Debater"...if you don't get the subtle metaphor-- it means "jacking off."

2008-10-16T06:05:00.000-07:00

BITCH has noticed something slightly sad, namely site visits going up directly after an "event." People are clearly checking to see if BITCH will have anything mean to say. Perhaps about the debate?

Why disappoint you? The future of our nation is dire. The world, based on an entirely fictitious item backed by nothing (Money! :) LOL) is crumbling. Bob Schieffer looks like the result of some cat/human gene splicing experiment. The old guy wants to make abortion illegal. Those evil pro-abortion mothers are hiding behind the cloak of "mother's health," just so'ze they can get a good ol' "baby-scrappin'!" at 8 months and 29 days cuz they like so totally needed to go on a ski trip!

These people are being so romantic, they don't remember-- most babies suck.

Way to shore up your base old guy! Did the Enlightenment every actually happen? Remember Rationalism? No, we should revise the constitution to reflect current views among the least educated, most fearful people who want to control every other human being's sexuality and bodily rights (because they can't control their own--I talking to you
pregnantteenagedaughterclosetgaysenetorblowjobmistress
prostituteillegitimateblackdaughterstromthurmond.)

Please unnameable-force-which-BITCH-feels-ambivalent-about-the-existence-of-- make the actual amount of people voting outweigh the inevitable voter fraud which will keep brown people and po' folks away from the polls. Also, apathy.

Also, let's hope Obama wears a lot of Kevlar.

WE'RE CURED!!!

2008-10-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

The market went up a record number of points today! Everything is fine in the world now that all the "Mun-Munz" is back in place. SO LET'S BUY TONS OF SHIT!

Hey Apple is having a new product launch tomorrow where they'll alternately make you spooge and cry with their latest and greatest hipster masterbation devices.

Steve Jobs' orgasmathon to be immediately followed by minimalist trendy commercials for hermetic-looking new laptops/tablets soundtracked by reedy, geeky, croaky-voiced twee female indie singer/songwriters--

BITCH feels SO SPOKEN too/about by these songs. They're just as floppy and disaffected as she feels! She can't wait to download this crap from her new iTunes update on her NEW iBook that will invariably come out tomorrow, making her year-old iBook obsolete. This music makes her feel like such a pretty, anorexic 30 year old asexual Canadian, Israeli and or Belgian law student! Shouldn't all music?

In the words of Bob Marley, everythins' gonna be alright, everythins' gonna be alright now!

BITCH says: Vote for THAT ONE

2008-10-08T15:59:00.000-07:00

Did you watch the town hall debate? BITCH did-- and she's in England. What's your excuse?

Let BITCH summarize.

Crazy old guy bore down on people with robot arms. Young, slick guy posed casually on chair like Neiman Marcus mannequin. They accused each other of lying about everything. Old guy walked through the background of young guy's shots, like ranty gramps. Young guy made newscaster angry by going over time limit.

Look, the truth is BITCH likes John McCain. Because he's cranky, and spent 6 years in a Tiger Cage. He's a fussy jerk-face and hates most things and that sits well with BITCH. She liked him when he was a "maverick"-- like 8 years ago, when he should have been the Republican nominee instead of Bush Jr.. But he just ate too much shit for the republican party and now he's no good to BITCH. Remember when W.'s people called all around and told everyone that McCain had an illegitimate black child!

And now that child is all grow'd up and he's gonna be president!

President That One.

Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame: A new bunch of old people

2008-10-05T15:21:00.000-07:00

The Rock N' Roll Hall of Fame released their list of the new nominations for inductees this week. Let's run down the list shall we:

Metallica--

Uhhhhh, 'spose that's ok. BITCH thinks this choice is very typical, but despite not really digging metal and thinking this band is very mainstream and precious about downloads and tickets and they go to GROUP THERAPY which is the most un-metal thing ever, their music sounds really good--- when hot-chick classical outfits do covers of it.

Run D.M.C--

Oh did you know they did this great cover of Walk This Way with Aerosmith? It was such a pivitol moment in MTV history, as you've been informed by MTV. For the last 20 years. And the video--

when they broke through that wall! Rap and rock will never the same! Also, they did Walk This Way.

Stooges-

Duh. What took so fuckin' long. That 25 year release rule sux.

Little Anthony and Imperials--

Sure, why not. Your granddad probably boned someone to this music. Not his wife.

War--

Yeah, cholos and weed dealers deserve for some of their bands to get in as well.

Jeff Beck--

Can't argue with that.

Bobby Womack--

Please refer to Little Anthony and the Imperials.

Wanda Jackson--

While BITCH appreciates nominating lady musicians, even if it's the token-girl-guitarist vote, she can't help but think it smacks a little of pandering to the Sarah Palin crowd.

Chic-- for the SECOND TIME--

Surprisingly, BITCH is all for this one. You're shocked right. No. For a Disco band, they're great. You heard it. BITCH said a Disco band was great. She gives props where they're due.

And speaking of overdue props,

Once again, NO FUCKING JOURNEY!!!

There's always next year. Don't ever stop believing.

PRUDIE GETS EMBARASSING ABOUT YOUR MUSIC

2008-10-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

MSN, hosting Slate Magazine, had a nice little Dear Prudence article the other day--- ABOUT FUCKING CANNIBAL COOOOOORRRRRRPPPPPPSSSSEEEE.

My Bloody Valentine: How do I convince my boyfriend that death metal is not mood music?

"Dear Prudence, My boyfriend is absolutely not a sadistic sex killer... But he loves listening to gruesome death metal...he gets a huge charge from listening to it when we have sex...It disturbs me that a seemingly well-adjusted man in his 30s is aroused by torture fantasies set to music. He says it's just about the "energy" for him, but I really don't know what to think about someone who wants to listen to Cannibal Corpse when he makes love to me. Am I being oversensitive about this?—Blasted

Dear Blasted,...I like the image of you two making love: He's cranking up Cannibal Corpse's romantic classic "Bloody Chunks" while you're sticking in the ear buds of your iPod and desperately turning up the volume on Michael Bublé's version of "I've Got You Under My Skin."...—Prudie"

Yikes! Prudence makes the crucial blunder of trying to sound like she 1. knows who Cannibal Corpse is, and 2. makes a cringe-worthy stab at mentioning a song by name--- that she Googled one minute before or-- if she was really creative, went to iTunes and listened to the free 30 second samples. Then picked the only one that could be shown in print.

But Dear, dear "Prudes," BITCH thinks you forgot some of CC's best titles. Meat Hook Sodomy? Addicted to Vaginal Skin? What about Dismembered and Molested, or the darling, Entrails Ripped from a Virgin's Cunt? And lest we forget classics like, Necropedophile,-- Stripped, Raped and Strangled, or the wonderful I Cum Blood.

And BITCH's personal faves, Blunt Force Castration, Stabbed in the Throat, and the practically autobiographical, Hammer Smashed Face.

Fuck Bublé, you can't get any more romantic than the specifically romance themed, Fucked with a Knife.

BITCH does have issues with a particular song title. Specifically, Post Mortal Ejaculation.

BITCH is confused whether CC meant postmortem ejaculation as in, spunking after death, or post mortal ejaculation-- as in a person who was mortal and then became immortal and is now ejaculating (like a vampire cumming-- perhaps blood?) But a cursory listen will reveal it actually contains BOTH meanings. How Joyceian and multi-layered!

BITCH has better advice for this woman. Get your boyfriend to switch from Death Metal to Viking Metal-- hey at least it'll focus on hating minorities instead of women. Or Industrial Metal. You won't be able to make out Rammstein. It's in German. Or how 'bout you dump him, cuz death metal fucking sucks.

Thank God you can't understand the lyrics to Cannibal Corpse songs, not because they're offensive, but because they're lyrically gay.*

And not in the cool (guys having sex with each other) way.

Here's a snippet from not just any kind of disembowelment, but "Frantic Disembowelment" by Cannibal Corpse.

Kidneys exposed
The pancreas flew
Stomach deleted
The spleen I did chew
The carving is over
You lost and I won
Fulfilling my dream
I killed you for fun

"The spleen I did chew?" Seriously?

Also, Prudence in practically the same breath mentions Manga. As in "manga doodle" whatever the fuck she thinks that means.

"And then they go for a play date, and there's your toddler reciting the Gettysburg Address and working out quadratic equations on her Magna Doodle. It's deflating."

Holy fucking shit Prudence, you really know how to sound like an old lame person when they try to say "cool" stuff...and junk. For the whole Mz. Mannerz article, follow this "Chainsaw Intercourse Anime Prescription" link.

Happy New Years...jews.

2008-09-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Bet all those antisemites would sacrifice their first born about now, just to have you come in and magically fix our economy with your "claw hands" and your cunning "beetle eyes" that see ever so far. BITCH will try to tell her Jew-girl-director she's wanted on Capital Hill, and also, to stop shoving honey covered apples (and buckets of Christian Babies Blood) in her face long enough to call some relatives in the States and get them to "put it under the mattress" and maybe, also if-such-a-bad-daughter-she-wasn't, wish them a nice shana tovah!*

*Translation= "good job my evil cabal. Our plan is working, soon the World Bank will be ours."

Too bad all her relatives converted to Wicca and don't give a shit.

off the kugh

2008-09-26T18:41:00.001-07:00

Oh, no. BITCH is reporting live during the presidential debate, like some annoying Daily Kos blogger.

BITCH just has to mention, we're only 40 minutes into the first debate, and McCain has only said "I have not been elected Miss Congeniality in the Senate" twice! Come on man, you can do better than that!

Oh and, if you rag on Obama's stammering your ass will get kicked-- it's only happening cuz he's doing-- what's the word-- or right-- thinking. Thinking first. Then talking. About what he was just thinking. Thoughtful. How novel.

Enough US bashing, time for some UK bashing!

2008-09-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

Gordon Brown is battling with Joe Lieberman for the Droopy Dog Award--- but seriously...

Did you see those Paralympics, or as BITCH calls them, 'da Gimp-a-limp-ICKS!? Perhaps more interesting than the real ones, as BITCH has an "amputee-racer" fetish. But back to the matter at hand, trashing on England. The people who brought us Keats, bulldogs and auto-erotic asphyxiation have finally let us down in the culture department.

If you missed it, you're in for a treat! Get ready for the lamest fucking thing you've ever seen.

Holy shit, what a train wreck. BITCH realizes that getting dancers too good would insult and threaten the Paralympic athletes, but HOLY SHIT. The regular closing ceremony was amazing, except for the London suck-fest, but this is just insulting. Don't Crips deserve a real fucking closing ceremony too?

Ooooh we get it, London is "Urban"-- and apparently from the year 1989-- and Lord Nelson is "high"-- and you have to wear an orange safety vest when you play wheelchair basketball-- or you'll get run over! --- By an ugly bus.

Don't look now, the ugly bus is transforming--- INTO AN UGLY BUS!

Made of technicolor puke.

Now can we talk logo for a second. That wacky 2012 logo makes BITCH's eyes bleed. If she stays in London, she might have to look at that horrific shit for the next 4 years! Keith Haring is rolling in his grave. If they really want to go the whole heinous graffiti-fied hog, BITCH has some great design ideas for London 2012, using fugly 80's videos as visual inspiration!

Fugs
Fuggers
SupercaliFUGalisticexpialidocious

Why didn't they just get Banksy to do some ironic stencil of 2012 with rats and cash signs and boom boxes and orphans fishing for dollar bills around the whole thing? They could have had Bobbies making out on top of the bus with the Queen of England wearing a gas mask. And how bout some fucking urban freestylers, doing back flips off the top deck? How hard is it to get that shit together England?! You invented Punk. And Ska. And Dub. -- and unfortunately House. Have some fucking Ghetto Pride. Respect!

OK, Now this Cunt is getting tiresome

2008-09-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is well on the road to becoming the actual president of the United States. She's one bullet away from the Oval Office. One coronary short of the command codes. And we're all one stroke away from a hot female George Bush. Getting less hot by the second. Norma Rae will be the leader of the free world.

First off, anyone who names their fucking kids Trig, Track, Bristol, Willow and Piper should go burn in Lower Middle class hell. Only white trash bitches think it's classy to give your kids fake country club names. Why not add a Destiny, Paige and Court while you're at it? You've still got a few more eggs in their, right? Maybe you could use fertility drugs and have like 8 more little miracles! Maybe some will have CP and you can pander to that audience. Because they couldn't get enough oxygen to their tiny brains because they were sharing a womb with like 7 other fucking babies.

Now let's enjoy for a moment, the irony of naming the one with Down's Syndrome "Trig."

BITCH knows this woman. Knows her house. Knows the smell. Once you get past the gasoline reeking garage where the SVU(s) are parked, and track through the "mud room" where the washer, dryer and deep freezer are kept, you land in the massive white kitchen. Spotless, as Helois would insist. Every size Ziplock bag in it's own wall holder. A pantry-- stocked with shitloads of Costco corny dogs, Gushers and President's Soda. Guns in the den, animal heads on the wall. 400 club on TV in between Spongebob and The Hills-- Her daughters have to have some awesome roll models right? Perhaps a drill team trophy or two in the bedroom?

Nothing says "abstinence works" like teen pregnancy! Abstinence works great-- for making you horny. It really revs up those millions (sorry hundreds) of years of biology!

Yes, it's the REAL America. There's nothing wrong with being a real American. BITCH is sure Sarah Palin knows, a lot better than Barak Obama, the price of a carton of milk.

But knowing the price of milk doesn't make you a good president. It makes you a good Price Is Right contestant.

People fear elitism. They bristle at smart, arrogant people. Because good educations make you pretentious. Effete. English. And we fucking hate the English.

BITCH knows she's preaching to the choir. Probably no one reads this that doesn't have a least some clue, right?

But, whether he's a likable "Joe" or not, shouldn't we WANT a president that's smarter than us? Shouldn't he or she be an arrogant Ivy Leaguer with a Masters? Or god forbid, a PhD? Or a women-- who's fucking qualified? It's not a job ANYONE should do. It's Boss--- of the world.

Sarah Palin come on down-- off your fucking cloud.

Supercollide THIS!

2008-09-09T18:05:00.000-07:00

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang ---

--but with a scientifically replicated micro scale dissection of the moments just after the big bang, which hopefully will not create any stranglets or oddly polarized particles, but will possibly prove special relativity and the existence of the heretofore completely theoretical 11 dimensions of space/time.

So the new CERN Hadron Collider goes online at 8 o'clock this morning in Geneva. According to the fearful reporters on Sky News (owned by Newscorp, makers of FOX News), this is they way the world ends. At 8 o'clock in the morning. In Geneva.

Fuckin' Swiss and their neutral, raclet eating curiosity about the natural world!

Funny, they're worried about such things as Black holes devouring known universe, when everyone knows Black holes are part of science, which is fake because the world is intelligently designed by a benevolent yet punishing ever-lasting love master. You can't mistrust the existence of physics, AND believe it will destroy you!

Apart from any micro black holes that may or may not be created for a millionth of a second, it's very similar to laser tag. Still you can never stop some people being afraid the known Universe will be destroyed.

But now BITCH will really blow you're fuckin' mind...

The Universe will be destroyed today. The entire Universe. And here's the real mind fuck. The big bang that will be created tomorrow is THE big bang. As in the original one that already happened. We created it. Today. When we blow up the world, it will rend the very fabric of space/time, causing a chain reaction that reverses cause and effect and goes back to before the forces split, and insights that infinitesimally small compressed dot of matter. Making it 'splode. Which is how the Universe, and everything in it was created, including us. The makers of the CERN Hadron Collider. The CERN Hadron Collider, otherwise known... as God.

Did BITCH blow your mind?

Goodnight.

BITCH, why isn't your goddman film playing anywhere on the interwebs in its entirety?

2008-09-06T20:44:00.000-07:00

Good question stalker.

The answer til now has been about virginity. Film Festivals want premiers and BITCH has been had all over the world. Since she has very few cherries left to give away at this time, Japan, Belgium and Norway being several of the last places she's being popped, BITCH feels free to point out that BITCH the movie is actually several places online now.

1. NBC Comedy Shortcuts 2007 archival page.

Where the film is so massively compressed it looks like watching internet porn from '98 over a 24K modem-- only faster!

2. Black Dog UK

Where the film is so completely uncompressed that it plays with varying levels of sycnchage devolving into totally unsyched by the final punch out.

What is Black Dog you may ask? It's a music video company owned by the director of Legend and White Squall, Ridley Scott. He may have also directed a little film called..Bla ........................ck Rain! He also made that really fascist Apple commercial where the bitch throws the hammer through the screen and all the albinos are blown away.

What! Music videos you say? Did you hear that right?

Yes, the director of BITCH has finally gone over to the dark side.

She will be directing evil, empty 3 minute commercials for obnoxious indie bands in skinny jeans. Even though there's no viable market for music videos since MTV hasn't shown one in like 15 fuckin' years and Much Music only plays stuff by sucky Canadians. They're doomed to be lame ass clips on youtube to commented on in such a manner. "Lv dis vido clp. imhao teh bamb. 4 r3lz." "Comment deleted by administrator."

If you don't believe BITCH, read this perfunctory article in promonews.

It's so flattering one might almost suspect it a was word for word cut and paste directly from the Director's bio! But who would be that lazy?! Clearly, everything is true.

Note how the writer "gently" brings up the fact Jake Scott, beloved son of Ridley and founder of Black Dog, directed the seminal REM video Everybody Hurts which is completely ridiculed in BITCH the movie! Way to make things super awkward for the new, and only one week employed director. Fortunately, BITCH doesn't suffer from such things as embarassment, so she finds it all a little amusing. She will punch said director's face, Medieval bloodletting style until the bad humours seep out.

This gets even better!

2008-09-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Oh boy. Your 17 daughter is knocked up and forcibly engaged to extra-Y-chromosome white trash fat head and baby daddy? Yet another win for Prolifers and all the precious magical teenie weenie babies out there. Babies love teenage moms as advocates! Now your down syndrome son you had because you insisted on breeding with old ass MILF eggs has a new playmate! A nephew that will be a year younger. Life is just so darn precious! It just goes to show, it's never too early to start having a family and also, never too late. And there's also no such thing as too many kids. Or overpopulation. Or famine. Or disease. Or global warming. Or evolution. Everything's just great as it is. Keep up the good work America!

BITCH has nothing to add except...HOLY SHIT SHE'S HOT

2008-08-29T19:44:00.000-07:00

Hoping that young men's penises will be mesmerized into voting Republican, McCain has picked Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential running mate. BITCH probably can't say anything fresh on this subject that your friend Kyle's boner isn't already thinking.

MILF porn sites are dancing with delight. Apart from being ridiculously comically niche filling, as gun toting former beauty queen with Down's Syndrome son, enlisted son, attractive daughters, athlete/blue collar worker husband, PTA membership and general Norma-Ray-ness, she also has the special skill of boobs spilling out of her lacy bra when she bends over to pick up your homework off the classroom floor, pulling 1 bobby pin out as her hair tumbles over her shoulders working late at the office, and pulling off her glasses in the middle of the humanities stacks before giving you "a hand" at your local library.

Sexy Librarians everywhere rejoice. Tina Fey to be Secretary of the Interior.

D.o N.ot C.urse. We're on national TV you fuckfaces.

2008-08-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

The DNC, not to be confused with a D&C, is in full effect. Since BITCH is clearly not voting Republican-- the last one she liked was "a gay" with Marfan's Syndrome who painted Ford Theater with his gray matter-- BITCH has no choice but to be lumped in with the screaming idiots. She finds all these people frighteningly similiar to Jimmy Buffet fans. She wouldn't be surprised if the entire audience at the Democratic National Convention pulled out bird bath margaritas and started having disgusting old people swinger-sex.

BITCH says watching the TV coverage is like having your eyelids forced open and rubbed with fine ground glass. She likes the black guy though. Barak Obama's not bad either.

Gymnastics can go flex itself

2008-08-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

America, always the gold medal grade grubber at the Olympics, is making a big stink about all the gymnastics medals the Chinese women's team has won simply because they aren't actually women. No, they aren't trannies like half the bitches from the Berlin Omlympics. Just (allegedly) little girls.

BITCH says, who cares if those Chinese gymnasts are underage-- which they are. Part of the joy of gymnastics is the child exploitation. No self-respecting adult should still be competing. If you're that fucking good you should have moved on Cirque Du Soliel or at the least, avant-garde porn where you eat your own pussy. At least by the time you're twenty.

Truth is. Little kids look better doing gymnastics and everyone knows it. They're smaller, more flexible and graceful, and they don't have those dastardly breasts and hips to get in the way. That's why Nadia was a perfect 10. Because she was 11. That's your physical peak, when you're bones are still gummy. Remember kids, the best time to diet your period into oblivion is before it starts. Watching big clunky adults is boring and a waste of valuable time BITCH could be spending masturbating to half-naked horse-faced swimmers (who are so obviously not taking some as yet untestable super roid, and just happen to break every record known to man.)

If big curvy grown ass women are to continue this gymnastics sham, BITCH wants to compete too. She has fearsome upper body strength, dance-ability (she took many years of tap in an after school at-risk-youth program) and balance and bar grip from scaling fences. The IOC must be flexible about the uniform though. BITCH insists on wearing black 3/4 cargo shorts with Chucks and authentically old, obscure band T-shirt. Non negotiable.

Shut yo mouf’...forevah.

2008-08-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

Just talkin’ ‘bout Isaac Hayes, voice of Chef, funk pioneer and now dueting partner of Curtis Mayfield in Blacksploitation Film Composer Heaven. BITCH wants to make it very clear, Scientologists did not kill Isaac Hayes because he failed to pay his audit dues. BITCH would like to reiterate this point. The Church of Scientology had nothing to do with Isaac Hayes untimely and suspicious demise. Also, Bernie Mac did not die of AIDS. Just “pneumonia” which isn’t JUST a complication of AIDS...(see Easy E for reference...oh wait...never mind.)

Very sad when anyone goes, especially talented musicians but also, somewhat marginally funny, but still lovable comedians. BITCH’s favorite blog for pretentious black literari weighs in. Now before everyone gets mad about the Bernie Mac jab, BITCH is being fair and honest. As a comedian, Bernie Mac was definitely better than average-- but no mad genius. He might be described as the black Jeff Foxworthy, to Cedric the Entertainer’s Larry the Cable Guy. He was never “old school,” because you have to be OLD to be old school. He wasn't even an OLD GUY. He was a young guy pretending to be a crochety grandpa from the time he was in his twenties.

He was only 50 years old people! Viggo Mortensen will be 50 in October and BITCH would gladly let him knife fight her naked in a Turkish bath house any day. In fact, here’s a content-less self-congratulatory puff piece, from MSN, on all the fabulous 50-somethings in various states of preservation and decay. Although BITCH is a fan of the “where the cuckies n’ shit?-- Him downstairs” routine, poseurs always rile her. BITCH says stealing is fine, but if you’re going to plagiarize, pick someone less famous than Bill Cosby.

But still a shame you had to go so soon. You too Isaac Hayes. Again, total coincidence that they were both working on the same movie, Soul Men, and died within a day of each other--- and again, it had nothing whatsoever to do with Scientology. This Bow Chika Wow Wow goes out to the both of you.

iWeb not working right, so enjoy your redirect

2008-08-15T22:55:00.001-07:00

iWeb is sucking a big fat technical dildo at the moment. BITCH cares not for such lame error messages:

"Can’t create the file “shapeimage_1_link_0.png.” The disk may be damaged, full, or you may not have sufficient access privileges."

1. What privileges?
2. Disk is not full you dick
3. Damaged my ass

Until this "probos" is ironed out with some "geniuses" at the "genius bar" you'll be redirected to this lame ass blogger page. Enjoy the 21st century bozos.

BITCH’s bladder weighs in on 'The Dark Knight.'

2008-07-30T23:05:00.000-07:00

Dear mr Nolan. Has no one told you only biopics, civl war epics and adaptations of beloved fantasy novels have the right to be over 2 hours long? And dime store Detective Comics don’t count as “fantasy novels.” This film is, after all, only the 6th-- sorry, 7th film adaptation of a piece of fiction enjoyed, since 1939, by 10 year olds sitting on the john. That alone makes it worthy of an Oscar?

Apart from Chris Nolan doing an almost dead on impression of Michael Mann, the film was decently shot, partially in IMAX. Because clearly the bigger the aspect ratio, the better the movie. (Note The 300 for reference.) Duck Lips was clearly an improvement over Droopy Eyes though. And although Aaron Eckhart is frightening life-like as stereotypically square-jawed DC-esque golden boy cum melty-face Harvey Dent, BITCH still holds a candle for Lando Calrissian. But BITCH is saving the best for last. Heath Ledger’s scenery chomping performance as The Joker will go down in movie history---if only for killing the actor. But excellent and enjoyable regardless. His Nurse ensemble was killer.

But apart from that, BITCH thought the whole thing was quite average... safe and boring count as “great” now? Was anyone else a bit confused by the story? ‘Spose plot elements aren’t THAT important. Christian Bale was Blandy Mcblandums, the dialog was more stock than NASDAQ, and apparently, you can have as many “acts” in a movie as you like. “Oh the third act is over and we still have an hour to go? That’s alright, we’ll wind it up in acts 4, 5, and 6-- while we introduce a new villain.” Maybe one day they can serialize it. As quaint drawings on sheets of paper, loosely bound with staples! PS- Fighting sequences are best when we can actually SEE what’s happening in them- enough with the montage Eisenstein!

Out of a possible 5 fists, BITCH gives this 2 fists and a foot. Not enduring, but BITCH will have to endure for the rest of her life hearing what a fucking classic this mediocre Heat-rip off is and how well it’s directed despite being a total downer and snoozefest with a sloppy over-long script (like this blog entry!) She wants to direct your attention however, to a funny and boldly stylish film made in the 80’s, you might have heard of it. It’s called Batman.

Side Note: BITCH wishes for Morgan Freeman’s speedy recovery, so he can get back to playing dignified if asexual old men who give dignified if bombastic voice overs.

Mean, Mean Man attacks most easy going “Christians” on the planet.

2008-07-27T20:14:00.000-07:00

It’s no secret that BITCH is not a huge “fan” of organized religion. So upon hearing a gunman went into a church function and gunned people down, BITCH may have been sorely disappointed in humanity, but not all that surprised. That is-- until she found out the church is Unitarian Universalist, who to BITCH’s knowledge are the most innocuous, open-minded, liberal, inclusionary “religious” folk that teeter on not even belonging to a religion, they’re so opposed to picking one. They’re only offensive in as much as they refuse to offend. Example of actual prayer from Unitarian service:

“Dear Lord...or Lords...or Ladies...or lady...or Man-lady, that is to say inter-sexed beings of either or both genders from this or other dimensions...not that there is a God...because Voltaire was a profound thinker...and a great satirist, and said some pretty amusing things on the subject...and Nietzsche too, which may also be true...but we don’t go in for that whole Nazi thing...because that was SERIOUSLY uncool...but if there were to be a God...and we’re not criticizing anyone who thinks there isn’t (because everyone’s entitled to their opinion!)...but if you exist and you’re out there...and you’re not too busy...we praise you...

guys....

or girls!”

Not cool picking on Unitarians, crazy gunman. Especially as it takes some real nuts to be that liberal in Knoxville. Although, to play devil’s advocate here, he did, however inhumanely, put a stop to an amateur production of Annie. Not a good thing...but BITCH is just sayin’.

BITCH is not, but if you’re open to this whole prayer “thing,” it might be nice to try it.

BITCH will write a new post when she’s good and ready. No? Okay, she’ll do it now.

2008-07-25T20:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it’s hard to find the humor in the world. Especially when nothing funny happens in a week-- except a Bosnian mass murder hiding out as everyone’s favorite huggable, love-able papa-bear, Father Christmas. Even more ironically, posing as a new agey holistic medicine specialist. Oh rape rooms he’s fine with, but sinusitis brought on by environmental allergies-- MUST BE DESTROYED. Did you hear he has a great “Master Cleanse” recipe. BITCH is glad this is coming to light, if only because Bosnia-Hurts-Her-Vagina hasn’t been in the news much since Torvill and Dean won the out and out gayest “sport” at the Olympics and that’s including Skating, Gymnastics, 2 Man Luge, Men’s Volleyball, Equestrian and every event in Women’s Track and Field.

Also, doesn’t Radovan look and sound exactly like the absolute lamest wizard assigned to Middle Earth? Remember Radovan the Orange? He was in charge of tracking down Dwarf Ring #4. It ended hilariously with ol’ Radovan gently coaxing King Mim Coalbeard of an especially large pile of Mithril. Christopher Tolkien to publish 240 page annotated volume on it. Look for that next Christmas. “Father Christmas” on the other hand, will be busy enjoying his genocide trial. BITCH hears the Hague cafeteria makes a mean cheese fondu.
PS- how inconspicuous is the name Dragan?

BITCH is a bad blogger.

2008-07-17T20:05:00.000-07:00

Firstly because BITCH forgot it was 4th of July in America. Secondly, because she wrote this post 10 days ago and forgot to put it up. Fuck you for expecting consistency. If you know BITCH by now, you know her posts are reliably semi-regular. But late is better than a foot in your teeth.

Because BITCH is in the UK, she started feeling sympathy for those red coat wearing, tea-taxing mutherfuckers and completely missed Independence Day. Yes, the Rolland Emmerich film asshole. Between Robert Mugabe’s wacky dictatorial antics and the steady stream of juvenile stabbing deaths in London, it’s hard to stay focused on freedom. As BITCH hears from America, A-Rod is apparently rodding the virgin mother herself. There’s nothing sexier than boning a nobbly, steroid-filled matron who was hot when you were ten. This is rather inconsequential to BITCH as the only thing she likes from baseball, are the bats-- especially the banned aluminum ones.

In related news, Guy Ritchie’s movies will continue to suck despite having real life emotional trauma to draw on-- for once. (Try to figure out what the plot of this one is, wait, BITCH will give you a hint-- it has Cockneys talking about loot and guns). Some hostages got freed and Lindsay Lohan is lezzing it up with a wiggery DJ, the first interesting thing Lindsay Lohan has ever done. Now all her drug abuse can be seen in light off her orientation confusion. Poor poor dear.

In even less relevant information, BITCH saw Wanted, which she enjoyed immensely while watching because it was a blatant rip off of Fight Club, and then immediately after, hated the piece of shit, because it was a blatant rip off of Fight Club. Amelie came on TV again and for the 40th time, BITCH cried when she stuck her little French mitten in the lentils-- see, she does have a heart.

In other news, BITCH may now have a new favorite film of all time. Shamefully, BITCH had not seen Old Boy until a couple days ago. In general, Asian films start off good, then devolve into third act operatic violence that has no explanation and ends with all the characters dying, killing each other or committing suicide. And this film is no exception!!! But at least it’s well done, with an amazing twist that will have you reeling. Unfortunately, it was ruined for BITCH, but she’s not cruel enough to ruin it for you as well.*

*It’s his daughter.*

*spoiler alert.*

*Fuck you. If it’s ruined for BITCH, it’s ruined for everybody!!!!!

OK. THAT DOES IT.

2008-06-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

BITCH is now well truly pissed off...

Because shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits if George Carlin didn’t die 4 days ago. BITCH couldn’t even bring herself to write about it until now . Now everyone, EVERYONE, BITCH has ever looked up to, is officially dead.* This includes, but is not limited to...

Sam Kinison
William Blake
Lenny Bruce
Galileo
Redd Foxx
Joan of Arc
Richard Pryor
Sir Thomas More
Wendy O. Williams
Jim Henson
and of course...
Bill Hicks

* This does not include Tavis Smiley...who will never die...because he’s a mannequin.

BITCH will try not to let her rotten artichoke get attached to anyone else, since apparently, when you care about people, they let you down and abandon you, “much like BITCH’s father, whom she’s never met” by dying. This according to the court ordered psychotherapist who claims, “maybe that’s why there’s so many men on the list?”

Are there no dangerous comedians left in the world? And why do the ones that suck ass seem to live so long? Henny Youngmen made it to 91 for Godsakes! When will Sinbad and Gallager push off the mortal coil?! Is there a painting of a rotting old man in Carrot Top’s closet (among other things) somewhere. No? What about the Blue Collar comedy tour? Surely Larry the Cable Guy is due for a coronary. What BITCH is trying to say is, WHEN WILL JERRY SEINFELD DIE ALREADY????!!! No, God kills all the brave ones. Bill Hicks, dead at 32 of pancreatic cancer. Richard Pryor, felled by MS (didn’t help that his wife smothered him with a pillow.)* Lenny Bruce, oh Lenny. You shoot heroine just a couple thousand times and then SUDDENLY, it’s too much?

*Allegedly.

BITCH has nervously begun a death watch for Don Rickles and is praying Louis C.K. will start eating right and going to the gym.

Now, in tribute to the big man, BITCH is reposting a clip that’s obviously all over town, but has a special meaning to her...because after all...when your name is a dirty word, it takes on a whole new meaning.

R.I.P.

THINGS HAPPENED!

2008-06-20T18:06:00.000-07:00

Apparently, while BITCH was away in Japan, things kept happening. But fear not dear readers, things happened where BITCH was as well. Firstly, to the away places where 6, sorry, 5 severed feet washed up on shore in Vancouver, 4 British officers died in Afghanistan (and it was very, very sad because one of them was a hot lady), and Tim Russert’s heart ‘sploded... from Gravitas. Seriously though, BITCH thinks all these things are actually sad and is not trivializing human death-- just the sexy, smexy way it’s reported.

Then, all of the Midwest flooded (an improvement?) and in an attempt not to repeat the failures of Katrina, the media and US government paid them heaps of attention, which only made them look more racist. “Y U gotta B h3lpn’ th0se wh1te flood victims, yo!”

And speaking of death-- in Japan--- where BITCH was being at the time--- in only the 4th knife spree this year, an average, ordinary guy plowed his truck into a crowd of pedestrians in Akihabara, Tokyo. Like BITCH, he also kept an angry blog that no one reads. Then he went stabby, stabby stab stab on 17 people. It was so just like Lost In Translation!

And speaking of white people feeling sorry for themselves in Tokyo, did BITCH mention the earthquake! Yes, not the one in China. No, not the one in Greece...but the one in Japan, which also happened whilst BITCH was there!

Aside from wacky game shows, there’s not much to watch on Japanese hotel TV apart from the one English channel, CNN International, hence all the boring news links. Never was the day BITCH thought she would sit through an entire interview with Larry King and Kathy Griffin, but there she was. Also, if BITCH ever hears the words “quake lake” again, she’ll Hulk Smash more than a certain sequel cum remake/ “reboot” starring everyone’s favorite inexplicably popular, yet oddly alluring bird-person, Edward Norton. You have porn, BITCH has Fight Club.

Then BITCH was stopped at immigration trying to get back into merry old England. Guess those assault convictions never really do go away. More reports on Japan to follow...

BITCH is turning Nihonginese

2008-06-05T17:35:00.000-07:00

Using someone else’s air miles, BITCH is traveling to Japan (home of the Japanese translation of BITCH the movie) for the first time. BITCH is looking forward to animal shaped food, penis trinkets, beating up Japanese hipsters and burning down UniQlo’s corporate headquarters. There will be many, many things to report upon her return.

You can’t spell Racist without Geneti[ra]cist.

2008-06-05T17:33:00.000-07:00

Remember Dr. Watson? No, not Sherlock Holmes gay lover, but one of those guys that discovered (or “invented”) DNA. Sorry, in several states you must now legally say, “The theory of DNA, which is one of many theories, including evolution and intelligent design.” In addition to being a scientist, he also has some very interesting theories on why black people are good at basketball and Jewish people are so smart! BITCH thinks it’s probably all the Christian baby’s blood they’ve been drinking. So BITCH’s favorite crippled nerd, Henry Louis Gates Jr., takes on Watson with quiet dignity-- “He is SO dignified, isn’t he.” Without ever saying outright, “shut the hell up you senile old fuck!” he goes at him in the subtly passive-aggressive professorial way. Don’t worry Henry, just say the word, and BITCH will beat his brittle old ass for you.

Google THIS!

2008-05-28T17:31:00.000-07:00

It was a fall from grace this week as BITCH the movie, the website, was so rudely pushed off the first page of Google. “What’s this?” you say. “It was never on the first page of Google.” Well, fuck you. It was. For several weeks running, when you typed in the singular word, BITCH, into the internet-- all over the world (and by world, we mean English speaking web pages-- in America) this site would come up on the first page-- in the world (i.e.-- America.) Sure it was near the bottom of the page-- but-- not the very bottom (eat that, Meredith Brooks!) Somehow, when BITCH was fiddling with her preferences (rotten.com wasn’t working out as a homepage), it changed from the real Google (American Google) to UK Google -- and now BITCH is sad, for she cannot see how important her website is anymore. It might actually still be there, though BITCH doesn’t know about it, and therefore, it doesn’t exist. It’s a bit of a “quantum situation.” Where will she get her sense of self-worth now? If you’re British, please hear BITCH’s plea-- commence with the clicking!!!! ...and ignore previous insults to your local Google.

GRAND JURY Wha?

2008-05-12T16:46:00.001-07:00

Prize bitches. That’s what. Grand Jury Prize. It’s a thing, what BITCH won at Indianapolis International Film Festival this weekend, proving that even tacky, fat white-trash racing fans... are not the only people living in Indiana. There’s also yuppies who go to film festivals, complain about how their ticket killed trees and their shopping bag (full of art house movie theater specialty chocolate) is choking baby black-footed albatross on Midway Atoll...which, it kinda is. Next year’s festival will be beamed directly into your skull, leaving negative carbon footprint. Should make up for all the little Matchbox cars. Get it. Die cast.

Hip Hop bands’ taste in indie rock, fails to impress young, white pop-culture critic.

2008-05-01T19:44:00.000-07:00

20 something culture critic, Ben Mathis-Lilley, for The Slate (an e-zine for people too hip, liberal and intoxicated to enjoy the Washington Post) had a momentary self-realization that he’s a total fucking jackass and a music Nazi. This quickly passes, and using the same sense of denial that’s plagued every one of his relationships, he totally remembers why it’s ok for him to be a cultural fascist, a music tool and look down on everything done by more mainstream artists/ people who didn’t attend Montessori pre-school. Oh-- and also, to comment on rap, period.

BITCH website finally surpasses 13000 hits,

2008-05-01T19:41:00.000-07:00

making it officially obscure in a cool “in the know” way, not just obscure in an absolutely no one knows about it way.

Congratulations, you are the people who can claim you went to it before it got totally lame, jumped the shark, and everyone, like, everyone started visiting. You have permission to look down on these people. As a reward, here’s a hip, semi-obscure clip which you can pan around and claim as your find.

Don’t mollycoddle me, you’ll muss my pinafore!

2008-05-01T19:35:00.000-07:00

It’s a little bit a’ history rrrrrrreapin’. Get out your bone crushing corsets, neck rings and foot binding straps. Subjugation as fashion statement is back! According people who know things, oppressive fashion is trendy, partly due to the wacky stylings of extremist Mormon cult members of the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints. It’s all about Victorian dress patterns, seemingly ripped from a dead Masonite teen, sporting tighter French braids than a drill team state final, and the all important Nurse Ratched shoes. But don’t forget your dull, glassy eyes full of dark obedient fear-- like a doll’s eyes. If this doesn’t scream sex-and-psychological torture inflicted on a Gibson girl, BITCH don’t know what does! Which is why all the hot fashion designers have to get SO on that shit before it’s totally played.

BITCH fans...exist.

2008-04-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

While there isn’t much concrete proof that BITCH has any fans, there are certainly a good deal of pierced boys, and adorable overweight lesbian teens that approach BITCH at film festivals. BITCH has also occasionally gotten a totally awesome, ranty fan letter. Just read this latest, super cute entry by a child of the blogging generation-- fraught with rambly, Keuroac-esque stream of consciousness sentences and shall we say a certain “Faulknerian” sense of punctuation. Pay special attention to text messaging lingo and emoticons that prove he’s either an authentic troubled teen, or a a very savvy 40 year old pedophile.

Hey Bitch!(not sure if thats an insult or not...)

I saw your movie last summer when I was at film program at SLC, and
when we went to Colombia for casting and blabla I saw it on Misael
Rodrigez(The head of the program)'s desk I was like "FUCK I LOVE THAT
MOVIE" and he gave it to me so now since my senior year in HS started
I've been showing it to everyone I can. A shame it's not online or
the youtubes so I could show more faster. But hey, your choice, I
respek it. Some unnecessary info about me: I enjoyed reading your
little list of 50 bands to not make you look like a poser. Am I the
only one who finds it sorta hilarious Joey Ramone was a jew?(I'm
jewish as well if you could couldn't tell my name or whatever) It's
given me vivid fantasies of his home life. But fuck that, I'm barely
a fan of the ramones, or punk in general. When I was a little
middleschool tard my favorite bands were powerman 5000 and 311 which I
now in all seriousness cannot listen to. I can't say I really listen
to punk music because any band close to that definition I just
disregard as another genre. I have a huge boner for Karen O. but I
don't consider them Punk because they've got more of a bluesy garage
rock sound imo. I also don't think calling a band 'Indie' has any
merit :\ it's just as big a fad as being punk is these days. I've a
bit of Animosity towards most in general with their hot topic spiked
bracelets and trendy t-shirts, most of my clothes are my dads
hammydowns and I buy new pants on a yearly basis cuz I keep
growing(yeah I'm probably a grungy guy). SO: Back to that punk, I
think the only bands I really like that are "PUNK": are the Dead
Milkmen who my english teacher told me to listen to, Shonen Knife who
are the only pop-punk band that doesn't make me bleed from an orifice,
Peelander-Z cuz they are the fucking shit, and Operation Ivy. But
they(save Peelander-Z) are old and outdated to kids these days so why
should they give a fuck. Wow I really didn't mean to turn this into a
rant, I'm sort of winging it...Anyways...I was wondering if you ever
plan to take bitch to NYC?

And because I feel vulnerable anytime I don't fully explain my tastes
let me link my last.fm(you don't have to click it's just the thought
that counts): http://www.last.fm/user/MexicanMoose/ (the myspace of
music habits, but it's sorta good...?)

OH and I made two oingo boingo lipsynchs that are semi infamous on the
youtub, maybe you wanna check this mofucka out: (nasty habittzz)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CGy6FTUZfjE

Hoping I haven't made a total shithead out of myself,
david

You haven’t David. You haven’t.

Watch his videos and make friends with him. BITCH would have totally prevented him from getting beat up in high school.

R.I.P.in’ it w/ the “Hest”

2008-04-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

Republican, gun-nut and closeted Jew, Charleton Heston died April 5th, 2008. He will be recalled for his DC comics jaw-line, converting to Christianity-- confused by staring in one too many Bible movies, and also being the only cast member of Ben-Hur that didn’t realize there was some gay shit going on in that. He started as a Jewish, liberal democrat and civil rights activist, and Kafka-sized into “an hideous” anti-affirmative action, pro-life, pro-Regan/Bush(s) supporter and president of the NRA. Ironically, he will be remembered, for his Alzheimers. But nobody’s perfect. Sadly, he was made of people.

ALL IS NOT RIGHT WITH THE WORLD!

2008-04-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

Why? BITCH isn’t sleeping much. Why? Because under terms of use violation, every episode of Star Trek: Enterprise was forcibly removed from YouTube by Viacom, and now BITCH has nothing to watch before she goes to sleep. Escapist fiction is important for drowning out the demons of life. Now BITCH is left at 4am obsessing on kids who looked at her funny in 2nd grade, and some poor, obese Canadian nerd is rotting in interwebs jail. Now that horrible criminal menace is dealt with, no one can illegally watch the incredibly low rated/canceled show for free on the internet. Now they can only watch it on HDNet, for free, or Sci-Fi Channel, for free. Or go over to Rodney’s and watch the season 1 and 2 boxed set, for free. Or download it from BitTorrent, for free. Justice has been served.

BITCH wins...Ahhhh-gain.

2008-03-27T16:48:00.001-07:00

BITCH wins Best Short Film at the Backseat Film festival. Ass-fucking jokes aside, this is a pretty cool festival. Especially as some of the other winning categories are Best Breasts and Best Zombies. Unpretentious, monster-centric, with a full-on punk-rock binge-drinking vibe.

Musings on (thə īd′'l)

2008-03-27T16:42:00.000-07:00

As much as BITCH is loath to admit it, she watches “the Idol” occasionally-- like only ever week! This is especially important for keeping in step with Americulture while abroad. While this may seem incongruous to you, considering BITCH loathes overly sincere covers of Celine Dion and screechy renditions of I’m Telling You, (always willed to the fattest new girl on the show) she can definitely relate to Simon’s brand of crankiness. Also, Randy was in Journey.

But after raping the Beatles two weeks in a row-- it was only right that SOMEONE must be kicked off as a sacrifice. When it came down to finals and the Rocker Chick got the boot, you would think BITCH would care. Truthfully she doesn’t because 1. The rocker chick was boring-- and destined to sing in the House of Blues on a slow Thursday and 2. Ever since Danny Noriega, BITCH’s favorite punk-rock-Fillipina-lady-boy-with-silky-silky-anime-hair got kicked off, she can’t spare the negative psychic energy for the remaining contestants. He elicits a confusing, inexplicable lesbo crush in her? She’s not alone apparently. All the lesbos want to do him.

And that little hooker can sang. She totally rejects the notion he’s this year’s Sanjaya. If you were ever in doubt he was an authentic trannyfag cholo street punk... She would definitely have hung out with this lovable, prickly, angry, misunderstood misfit in high school. She hopes all your momz get raped by Santa too.

CLEVELAND ROX!!!!

2008-03-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

BITCH wins BEST SHORT FILM at Cleveland International Film Festival. You heard right. Best. Short. Not best female, student, special, jury selection, honorable mention, special section, LGBT issue, with Mexican love interest over 10 mins. or any of the rest. Just best short. Now if we could only get Journey into the fuckin’ Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

LONDON CALLING

2008-03-05T10:48:00.000-08:00

In a move that’s too hard to explain (it involves a cultural exchange of malcontents) BITCH will be reporting this summer from merry olde’ England (home of the fighting ANGLES.) She’s staying in a dumpy area called Barnes-- basically the Venice, C.A. of the U.K. Right now, a very ill-tempered, hypoglycemic rude-boy is taking her place at home. For the next few months, BITCH will be giving you commentary on all the latest advancements in cheese on toast, American Idol-- 2 days late, poor exchange rates (the £ F’s Ur $ in the A!), and world news that’s actually about...duhn, duhn, duhn...the rest of the world.

OSCAR COVERAGE-- OR-- LET THE PLAYER HATIN’ COMMENCE!

2008-02-25T01:18:00.000-08:00

What is it about the Oscars that causes such bile to raise in BITCH’s esophageal canal? She loves Jon Stewart (despite being able to take him in a wrestling match) and apart from enduring Kristin Chenoweth warbling, 3 songs from Enchanted and a thing like a song from the greatest film in the “Hook subgenre” since Hook, August Rush, the show was pretty tolerable.

There were only a billion self-congratulatory montages, but the beach-make-out-clip from From Here to Eternity was only used 3 times (a record low!). BITCH feels that in spots, it was perhaps not sappy enough-- dead people montage could have been set to more manipulative music- perhaps the soundtrack to Dragoheart-- which, in a poorly thought out move, was used in a earlier montage about the history of Oscar montages of people winning Oscars.

No real surprises, except Tilda Swinton accepting the award for best supporting actress (in Michael Clayton) in all her bird-like hermaphroditic albino glory-- narrowly beating out Kate Blanchet’s androgynous pallid ornithological splenditude.

But it’s nice that boring ugly people can win an Oscar too-- see Once. Apparently the only place women can win best director is in the documentary short category. We’ll call that a give. Not that any female directors were overlooked. Since they all suck anyway.

As usual, best actress went to the hottest chick willing to look the ugliest. And no, Angelina-- making yourself look more “ethnic” doesn’t count. Best director/picture was the film old people liked the best. But certainly, maybe, also deserved it.

Best actor and supporting actor went to roles BITCH can get behind. Ruthless, angry psychopaths on a rampage.

Then best screenplay was won by your crazy aunt in the leopard print kaftan-- you know the one who collects cats?

All kidding aside, BITCH was pleased that Diablo Cody won the Oscar for best Mrs. Roper impression AND best original screenplay--- mostly because BITCH likes the idea that a heavy set rockabilly chick with a dubious past and rakishly unfashionable 1920’s bob can get some traction in Hollywood. Sound like anyone you know? Also, like 2 years ago she was a blogger. Hey, BITCH has a blog! Maybe in 2 years she’ll be punching a statue holding bimbo in the face as she accepts the OSCAR for her original screenplay, Screaming Caffein Vagina.

But still BITCH seethes with hatred for Hollywood. Maybe it’s because she lives in Venice and the bus ride is so freakin’ long or maybe, in the words of Daniel Plainview: “I’ve got a competition in me, I don’t want anyone else to succeed.” In honor of this event, BITCH has included a link to her favorite awards show.

Most bizarre case of Schadenfreude ever.

2008-02-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

Have you been watching Henry Louis Gates Jr.’s totally addictive series African American Lives 2? BITCH has. Its the sequel to African American Lives 1: The Quickening, and is now playing in heavy rotay on PBS. If you’re not watching, you’re missing out.

Not only does BITCH love stories of genetics, family trees and human migration (horrific circumstances not withstanding), not only does she adore a little “hot chocolate” (Tavis Smiley’s restraining order is still in effect), but she also enjoys a good dose of public television.* Because it’s boring and somewhere a child is being forced to watch it in lieu of playing Halo 3.

* The “dark meat” thing and the PBS thing may not be mutually exclusive-- BITCH watched a lot of Reading Rainbow as a child-- to drown out the sounds of her mother drinking at 11am.

This show has everything: stories of “passing,” the art of “creepin’ n’ sneakin’,” Chris Rock crying (in a nice way), and Morgan Freeman narrating something bombastically. BITCH would never revel in the pain and misery caused by slavery-- she’s very anti “The Man” as you well know. But... there’s nothing funnier than the look on Don Cheadles’ smug face when he finds out his ancestors weren’t enslaved by whites, but actually by other minorities. Double diss. Nothing funnier... except dead babies, rape and the Holocaust.

VOTE for this movie, Wrigley.

2008-02-17T22:38:00.000-08:00

If it gets the highest score it will play on Reel 13 on PBS.

BITCH worked on it a couple years. It’s good-- and a sucky film is winning on this site. Give Wrigley a 5 (hopefully you’ll agree it deserves it) and give these other movies a 1 because they got all their friends to vote for them which inflated their score, plus they brought Wrigley’s score down because they’re douches. Sorry this isn’t funnier. Just true.

BITCH weighs in on the Grammy’s

2008-02-16T23:56:00.000-08:00

Also known as the Grannies, as the husk of Herbie Hancock delivers half of a two man interpretation of that opening theme music from Manhattan. Didn’t suck as much as could be expected though. Apart from obligatory live-person-with-dead-person duet, Kanye West's warbling about his mother (killed by plastic surgery he paid for) was less ironic than feared. Most importantly, Amy Winehouse accrues Grammy wins needed to appropriately pad her obit, as in “Grammy winning singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse died today...” Also of note, Jason Bateman getting oddly more fuckable with age.

BITCH on the SAG awards

2008-01-30T00:13:00.000-08:00

They should have been called the “saggy awards,” am I right Mickey Rooney? What the fuck are you talking about anyway you crazy old coot! You shriveled Dionysus you!-- Also, Daniel Day-Lewis gets extremely “weird” about Heath Ledger. Must put DVR on pause for several minutes while anxiety attack subsides and is replaced with amusement. Forest Whitaker produces appropriate post speech, pretentious head nod of agreement-- agreeing with all previous statements stated. Luckily, on the whole, show had 0% self-congratulating. Warning: This last statement was said with 100% irony.

BITCH reviews Cloverfield

2008-01-30T00:12:00.000-08:00

A bunch of yuppies get killed by Godzilla, dramatically interpreted by Orca. Note to future self: when picking fake name of screenplay, make sure it makes sense or relates to movie in at least a trivial way, in case nerdy bloggers use it so much, you’re forced to keep it!

BITCH hono(u)rs the life of Heath Ledger

2008-01-23T00:21:00.000-08:00

Even BITCH is not cruel enough to mock such a serious and respectable young actor, sadly cut off in the prime of his life. You’re crass for even wanting her to turn this into some heartless social commentary on society, media, drug addition, depression-- possibly Australia. That rotten artichoke that beats inside her ribcage and causes her hurty feelings she cannot comprehend, is understandably ripped asunder. No, she never knew the man, but at least when he came on TV, she did not want to immediately bash his face in with a crowbar, like 90% of Hollywood. Maybe because he was a foreigner, and automatically less annoying, maybe because he was actually a decent actor and all of his movies didn’t entirely suck, maybe because he was the silent, androgynous type (and BITCH is somewhat narcissistic)-- for all those reasons BITCH’s lumpy black heart goes out to his friends and family in this painful time. She drinks a toast to you-- composed of a bottle of Makers, a handful of Tylenol, 3 Ambien CR, and a yet to be determined substance that will show up on a full toxicology report-- probably in 1 to 2 weeks. For Heath. RIP soul brother.

BITCH flicks some snot towards the flix of 2007

2008-01-08T00:55:00.000-08:00

As the writers strike is reaching puberty and there are no new episodes of Battlestar or Henry’s Film Corner, BITCH was forced to sneak into the Arclight on multiple occasions these past few months. Also, she’s found a good system for watching DVDs. She “borrows” Netflix she finds in her neighbor’s mailbox--

What? At least she sends them back.

Warning. BITCH picks what films she likes based on their porno remakes. See if you can figure out which were the the best films of 2007.

15. Driving Belle in her butt #5
14. The Bi’s of Others
13. A bonement
12. Zoe’s ass
11. June Ho
10. NO CUNTS PLEASE!: 4 old gay men
9. Rape! w/ 2 Pee’s
8. Starfuck
7. Shtup Her Bad
6. This is Mingeland
5. King of Schlong
4. Pursed pussy lips
3. Eastern Prom Asses... 29
2. The Ass Annihilation of Jesse Stark by the world-class-
topper Trent Skylar

And of course, the very best porn of the year...

1. There Will be Menses

Also, to interact like a 23rd century robot person, you can write in your guesses. The first person to correctly post all the film titles wins the auspicious prize of BITCH’s least hated person of the year!*

*2007.

SERIOUSLY?

2008-01-07T23:55:00.000-08:00

Who the fuck is visiting this site? It's getting a baffling large number of hits. Does BITCH have a stalker? BITCH is delighted yet perplexed. She sleeps with one eye open.

2007-12-18T14:49:00.001-08:00

The director is the dead Victorian girl on the right.

Happy Turkey Holocaust

2007-11-20T23:33:00.000-08:00

BITCH wants to wish you all a happy day of shoving your faces full of Genetically Modified, hormone laden, Tryptophan riddled dinosaur-with-feathers meat. While BITCH enjoys shanking Vegans and PETA members, she’s sympathetic to turkeys, if only because they’re marginalized and imprisoned women. That’s right, women. Contrary to what Bee Movie and Jerry Seinfeld’s horseface would have you believe, livestock and most animals and insects in produce trade are girls. Delicious, delicious girls.

Now that the counter has been installed...

2007-07-04T02:15:00.001-07:00

Now that the counter has been installed, BITCH realizes that many lonely people are actually visiting the site into the wee hours, burning the midnight oil (but not like the band Midnight Oil- cuz they suck.) Whether this is sweet or altogether sad confounds BITCH, and creates a confusing "hurty" sensation in the rotten artichoke she keeps stored in her ribcage. Now that the counter has been installed you cannot hide your desperation and your shame from BITCH. She knows you have visited the site at 3 in the morning on a Tuesday. She knows how you sit up late at night with your black sabbath candles, burning smiley faces into your arm with a Bic. She knows because at this very moment--she is herself cutting newspaper collage-- accompanied by the melodious screechings of Kate Bush or Minor Threat on 7". Obsessively lusting after Tavis Smiley with his barrel chest and his terrifically bland baritone. Who knows how many of you fell through the cracks. Who knows the myriad of clickers who clicked anonymously before the counter took hold. You can hide no more. BITCH is a profound She-beast. Still waters run deep---

and so does toxic sludge.

O.K. COMMUTER...

2007-06-24T14:05:00.000-07:00

BITCH wishes to comment on every festival BITCH gets into. But BITCH is a part-time community college student, part-time record store clerk and full-time ass kicker, and therefore cannot afford to travel to every festival in Padooka or some place named Dong-- it's Korean. If BITCH does not attend a festival in person, the review is automatically bad. If BITCH attends the festival, she must interact with film people-- in which case the review is decidedly bad. Except for Oklahoma City, which surprisingly, despite being filled with Oklahomoians [sic], along with copious amounts of Flaming Lips fans (same difference), as well as the actual band Flaming Lips, seems to be a not entirely awful place. Maybe it's the "howdy ya'll attitude." Or the clean streets and lack of traffic. Perhaps BITCH was swayed by a free hotel room and round trip airfare. BITCH gives it 3 fists (out of a possible 4 and 3/4 fists). But BITCH still doesn't know if the place was really "bomb-worthy."

BITCH ponders why blashpeming, subversive peice of "Lefty-Trash" does so well in the Dirty South

2007-05-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

BITCH the movie has been on the "circuit" for about half a year now, and played its fair share of festivals. Anyone who's seen the film knows, it's full of gratuitous punching, threatening gender neutrality, offensive non-colored movieness, and the sensual kissing of Mexicans. Not to mention abortion jokes. Ohhh, the abortion jokes.

Surprisingly, BITCH has played, almost exclusively, at southern US festivals and in fact, has never won a festival award that wasn't in a Red State.

Special Jury Prize- Florida
Honorable Jury Mention- AFI Dallas
Best Texas Filmmaker- USA Film Festival
Best College Short- Nashville

Also played Sarasota and Del Rey Beach Film Festivals (both in Florida)
Also played Atlanta Film Festival (Georgia)
Also accepted to Dallas Film and Video Festival (Texas)
Also accepted to deadCenter (Oklahoma)
Also played Sundance (Utah)
Also accepted to CineVegas (Nevada)

Yes, yes, the last two are technically "southwest" but come on-- Mormons!

So the question is "what the fuck is up?" If these states are such ubiquitously conservative, bible-thumping theocracies, why do Southerners seem to like BITCH the movie the most? BITCH the person thinks maybe there is a higher concentration of frustrated, creative, free-thinking individuals living in the south than anyone realizes. Even Southerners.

Unlike BITCH the movie, perhaps reality isn't so black and white.

Keepin' it Real in the Big "D"

2007-04-23T13:24:00.000-07:00

USA FILM FESTIVAL: BITCH won Best Texas Short- by simply being "not as bad as other shorts from Texas." Maybe it helps that the filmmaker hasn't lived in Texas for ten years. Sorry Robert Rodriguez.