Set Spoilers to Kill.

Seriously fools, if you haven't seen "IT" yet, 1. What kind of geek are you? And 2. Why are you making such seriously vain attempt to not be spoiled when you know you wanna. Y R U B HR?

It's no secret, BITCH is a bit of a fan of "The Track." What is "track" you ask. It's ghetto for Trek...as in, "you fittin' to watch you some Track? Shit, bitch, you'll need a liter of Knee High grape sodawater and popcorn-- with extra hot sauce. 4 RLZ."

Now imagine an alternate reality where the events of history unfold separately and parallel to our own. No, I'm not talking about the alternate reality where an Emo Roumlan kills both Kirk's Dad and Spock's Mom, or where Bones miraculously drags his old ass to Starfleet at the same time as everyone else, where Kirk is made a captain while he's still in school, where Orion Slave girls fuck their way through the academy, where Pike is still confined to a wheelchair by the end (but at least doesn't have to beep one for yes, two for no, and three for the crapper), where Chekov appears from the beginning even though he's barely out of diapers, where Scotty has an adorable mini-me sidekick or where Spock goes into Pon'Far early-- and continuously-- while he sticks his tongue down Uhura's throat. Not that one.

And it's not the one where Spock is a badass with an evil beard either.

No. BITCH is talking about the alternate reality, where Star Trek is STAR WARS.

Here's what you need to turn Star Trek into Star Wars. You'll need one Hoth-like ice planet, replete with beasts that want to draw you into an ice cave and eat you. One Tatooine-like desert planet (any will do, even Vulcan). One spacer bar full of wacky aliens and complete with fist fight (but sadly, no zany muppet music). An old dude who can act as a mystical mentor-- Frank Oz wasn't available-- so they had to go with that Nimoy guy. You'll need some undersized, spunky midget-types dressed as tiny aliens. And how about a scene where young padawans-- uh sorry, "Vulcan kids," are getting trained to be super secret Jedis-- that is, adult Vuclans. And lastly, you'll need some jocky jerk-faced director, who hates Star Trek and loves Star Wars. Star Wars, beloved by geeks and normals alike. And Star Trek, only loved by the most unlovable.

Some may praise J.J. Abrams for boldly rebooting a dying franchise (BITCH has not forgotten the Baroque debacle that was Voyager or the dry hump that was Enterprise) but seriously, people, save something for the nerds. There were no ridiculous-looking Andorians, only one red shirt died, and almost nobody had any weird shit growing out of their forehead. Add to that, BITCH hardly felt preached to at all about racism and tolerance.

BITCH wanted to be able to say that she hated this movie entirely, since she is a player hater. But the truth is, she enjoyed herself and her bladder didn't protest. That having been said, poor Canon didn't fare so well. She went to a wacky spacer bar. There was a shitload of muppets playing zany instruments. She got her Romulan ale roofied, and she woke up with a her ass hurting bad.

Last seen leaving her place, a bad ass looking dude with pointy ears-- and an evil beard. Damn you mirror universe Spock!