Cinco de Mayo- Intergalactic Edition

Remember that bad 80's sci-fi movie, where in a distopian future, aliens come down for sanctuary and there's all these secret police chasing after them and demanding their identity cards. No? Surely you remember when the all-American couple Blake (hunky Rob Lowe) and Summer (a young Kristy Swanson) were caught harboring Gleepglorp in Blake's pick-up and punished by "The Citizens," a group of pale, doughy, obese slug-like creatures with baseball caps and assault rifles.

Thank goodness that crazy old coot Skeeter (Newhart's William Sanderson) was there with the Trucker Army to save them and evade government capture. All those little aliens wanted to do was pick oranges with their tiny brown claws and garden for less than minimum wage-- and carry black tar heroine in their squiggly asses! But ooooh those secret police and their taser-lazers! And remember when the Head Lawmaker, in a genius dramatic turn from Brad Dourif, turned out to be a self-loathing alien in a sluggy "citizen" skin suit!

If you haven't seen this masterpiece, it was set in the far off future in a desert waste-land that no one gave a shit about. It's called AZ 2010 and co-stars Ed Beagly Jr. as the Chief of Police, Jeffery Jones as Citizen Number 1 and of course Joel Grey as the lovable and wise-cracking Gleepglorp.

It gets 3.5 stars on IMDB.

It's no secret BITCH has a "gay crush" on Mexicans. Any country that can give you both flautas and mass human sacrifice should be worth at least a couple pesos. And sure it's a corrupt cess pit, much like Gleepglorp's home planet, Caderrronderralll. But the alien menace must be contained!!! Much like a black hole, nothing should be allowed to escape.

As someone who grew up in LA, BITCH knows how to spot an illegal. Here's a hint, the 4ft tall man that looks like an Incan warrior in a dirty parka is NOT American. But big fucking deal. Half the US used to be Mexico.

But now, like a shitty 80's sci-fi movie, brown people are going to be stopped because they might be space aliens. This is the lamest Cinco de Mayo since that one where all those French guys got beat up.

K-Oh K-no, K-say K-it K-ain't K-so

Although she could probably get away with it, BITCH isn't even going to pretend to be a big fan of the KNACK because they t'weren't no Squeeze, or shit, even the Romantics and she's only ever liked the one song. But damn, what a song.

For 6 weeks the world was rescued from Disco.



A baseline to rival, Another One Bites the Dust. And indeed, another has.

Doug Fieger RIP.

AVATARDED

BITCH has seen Dances With Wolves and Thundercats and Smurfs and Ferngully and was counting down the days, nay decades, until they could all be fused into one 3 hour long three-dimensional CGI cartoon epic so she could watch it while wearing giant grimy sunglasses and getting dead legs.

So it was...a thing. Made of movie-film-type stuff and certainly wasn't the most horrible of those things-- because BITCH is sure Battle For Terra will be far worse and simultaneously identical. But then again, it had the exact same plot as Dances With Wolves. And BITCH can't be sure but thinks maybe those Na'vi were some kind of really super subtle allegory for black people and Native Americans, and both types of Indians, and Africans. Aren't savages noble?! They're really in touch with nature-- when they're not killing "witch children," deforesting rain forests, or eating ape meat while wearing Nike T-shirts.

So, these sexy aliens live on The Internet Planet and they have USB cables in their braids which they use to jack-on to the intertoobs and have sex with trees and incestual-- sorry ancestral spirits and shit. AND they ride dinosaurs-- which also have USB cables at the end of their tentacle thingys. BITCH is more interested in finding the Tech-Support Planet, that services all the users on Pandora. Will they be more like the Genius Bar where you have to make an appointment 3 months in advance just to get talked down to? Or will they be more like Tekserve, where you take a number like you're at the Deli only to come up to the front and have them roughly reboot your computer 8 or 9 times to simulate crashing and then tell you data recovery will be 500 dollars?

BITCH does enjoy some of James Cameron's more stock characters. Gormless Good-Guy Marine, Toughy Hispanic Lesbian Marine (and they say Michelle Rodriguez is typecast!), and of course, Crazy Out-of-Control Marine that will stop at nothing to destroy something beautiful.

So if you like the Elves from Lord of The Rings, but wish they were taller and more blue and look like they evolved from Cringer, and you want to see PG Alien Sex, and lots of USB cables, and you like wearing grimy sunglasses in a darkened theater-- this movie will--eh-- qualify for that list of specific expectations.

Fuck you, BITCH writes when she feels like it

It's been a few months bitches. Want an apology? Well you won't get one.

What you will get is a lovely summary of that grief-porn-masterpiece, Precious, which will render it unnecessary for you to actually see the movie. Enjoy...

Precious Moments - watch more funny videos

VMAsturbation

OK, so nobody cares what BITCH thinks, 'cept when some ol awards show rolls around again, specially "teh music-ish" ones.

Yes BITCH saw the VMAs-- 1 day late because they were held up in UK customs. The musical performances were sucky-- and the in between bits, of Russell Brand rambling about hippy shit and sex addiction, were amusingly banal. Despite his fancy man-lady ways, BITCH can't see her way to clear to wanting to fuck him. Oh well. How 'bout that Michael Jackson tribute huh? That was--a-- thing-- right?

Twilight fans rejoiced because Twilight clips and cast abounded, but more importantly Muse played, and that's like "their all time favorite band and it's Stephanie Meyers' all time favorite band and like they have all their albums and omigod, Taylor Lautner-- so hot-- and in no way screamingly camp either!!!!!1111!!"

LadyGaga's penis sadly didn't make an appearance but she did thank God and the Gays in one breath, because she knows where her bread is buttered. Her Kermit the Frog's voice sucked so hard it didn't even sound like the Henson replacement, but more like some third rate outlet-mall-Kermit.

Madonna tried to make Michael Jackson's death all about herself.

Sloe-eyed Taylor Swift tried not to look like a tourist while singing on a moving 1 Train in 42 street. Oh yeah Taylor? -- BITCH would like to see you switch train cars in transit, like a local.

Green Day-- was quickly fast forwarded through because that song, 21 GUNS, definitely, definitely has part of the theme tune to Full House in it, which activates BITCH's kill, kill, kill switch.

And of course, BITCH's favorite moment, apart from a bleeding Gaga of course, was Kanye's outburst. These are always hilariously irreverent and poorly timed, indicating early signs of mental instability, but getting a bit unoriginal and pathetically less relevant each time. First the devastation in Katrina, then his own slighting at awards shows, and then slighting by proxy for some video of women dancing in a white room that's supposed to be the most original video of all time. Because NO VIDEO has ever had girls dancing in white rooms before!

Oh, BITCH knows what you'll say-- "but it's them DANCINZ! choreography what makes it original!"

Do you mean THIS original choreography?



Hey, at least Taylor dressed up as a fake nerd for her video, because "she was like such a dork in high school ya'll."

In the immortal words of BITCH's favorite pro-anna singer/songwritress, Fiona Apple: "This world is bullshit, and you shouldn't model your life on what you think that we think is cool, and what we're wearing and what we're saying,"

It's still fucking true.

FUCK YOU BITCHES! IT'S FRINGE TIME!

BITCH is heading up to Edinburgh (Berg?/Borough?) for the Fringe Festival where she will be virulently avoiding jugglers, people with their heads in buckets, quirky weirdos hiding under boxes and one woman shows about lonely out of work 30-something actresses who do lots of old lady characters. Also anyone who was on Michael McIntyre's Roadshow.

Sadly, the guy BITCH is currently fucking (yes it does occasionally happen-- and don't act so surprised it's a guy) lost all his money when he was defrauded by a tweaking meth head/identity thief using his Gmail account to set up Western Union wire transfers. Consequently, BITCH and Co. will be sleeping in a fucking youth hostile. BITCH can't wait to tell you bitches what Scottish crabs are like. And also the pubic lice.

If she's feeling up to it, she might even give a review of some of the acts. "Might" being the operative word, as opposed to "mite" as in, pubic lice.

To try and cheer yon fuckbuddy up, BITCH trolled (and trawled) the internet for lols (and lawlz). Did you know, they have one for every occasion?!!!101!!!]]

John Hughes. BITCH won't-- forget about you...

Dear John,

BITCH doesn't have much to say, except, you left us too soon. How do you talk about one of your favorite filmmakers of all time? (NOTE: Curly Sue still sux). Comedies are a tricky thing, and you had so many good ones. Sure you'd basically retired, described by some as a recluse and we already had your full collected works, but just knowing you were still kicking was a comfort to an entire generation. As much as Michael, or Regan or Madonna-- or AIDS, you WERE the 80's.

All teen films strive to copy a mold that you originated-- and almost always fail. Before you, the homely best friend never got the girl-- or guy. You made nerds cool. You were probably the first. You changed the way Hollywood and audiences in general thought of teenagers. You gave them soul. You filled a sleepy fictional suburb in Illinois with so many well-drawn characters, they felt real. We all wished we were clever enough to say the things you put in the mouths of your leads and ever since, hacky blogtastic screenwriters have crashed and burned striving. The Brat Pack largely has you to thank for their careers (if they didn't end up destroying them, themselves).

BITCH has so many favorite moments from so many of your films (barring Curly Sue of course), that it's hard to choose just one, so how 'bout a trite montage that will use editing and music to effectively squeeze feelings from BITCH's rotten artichoke. It makes the thorny bits poke her insides.



And perhaps, BITCH's number one favorite moment of all time. Set in a record shop. Jon Cryer. Otis Redding. What more do you need? Try a little tenderness.